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Archive-name: First/control.txt


Archive-title: Sex Diary 1

January 12, 1980 

Dear Diary,

    I can't believe it! At school today, one of Bobby's friends 

dared him to kiss me at recess out at the playground. Susan was standing 

right there and she dared me too! Everyone said it was icky and that we 

wouldn't do it. But Bobby grabbed me and did it! It was real quick. It 

felt just like when mom kisses me before bed. But it was Bobby! Susan 

and Michelle said they'd never do anything like that. But the best part 

is what happened after school. I was walking down the hall and I thought 

I was all alone. Everyone else had gotten on the bus. But Bobby came up 

from behind me and surprised me. He kissed me again! But he kept his 

lips on me a long time. It made me feel funny. I feel kind of bad now. I 

know mom would be angry. Daddy would give me a spanking for sure. I 

won't tell them. But I had to tell you! ...

April 5, 1981  

Dear Diary,

    Oh my god, you'll never believe what I just saw. I was going in 

to my brother's room to see if he took my record. You know how I hate it 

when he takes my stuff. I didn't think he was home from football yet, so 

I just opened the door and started to go in. And what I saw WAS SO 

GROSS. He had his thing in his hand, and he was sort of grabbing up and 

down on it. There was this gooey stuff running down his hand! What was 

he doing? His face was all wrinkled up, and when I came in he screamed 

at me to get out! I ran in here and locked the door, and I just had to 

tell somebody! I wonder if he's sick or something! I know that boys use 

their things to pee with, just like when we pee. But what was that weird 

stuff? I wonder if I should tell mom about it...

September 8, 1981 

Dear Diary,

    Mom and Dad were doing it again. There were those moans and 

stuff coming from their bedroom last night. I was worried that Dad was 

hurting her! So I snuck out back and went around to their bedroom window 

to see if I could find out what was going on. I was so afraid! The 

curtains were open a crack, and the light was on so I took one of the 

big logs from the woodpile over to the window and stepped up on it. I 

still don't understand why dad was doing the things I saw! I know he 

loves mommy. He wouldn't really hurt her, at least I don't think so. But 

he had both his hands around mommy's throat, and he was strangling her! 

I was so scared I almost ran away! But mommy was acting really strange, 

too. She was rubbing herself, down where she pees. Her face was turning 

blue, I swear! But she was smiling. How could she smile? I just don't 

understand. I decided I would wait and make sure that she was all right. 

Her whole body started to shake and jump, and she just kept rubbing and 

rubbing herself. Then something happened. She fell against daddy, and I 

was really scared that he had killed her. And I was just about to run to 

the neighbor's house, when Daddy slapped her in the face. It looked like 

he hit her really hard! And mommy woke up. They started kissing, and she 

was smiling again. Then they turned out the light. I know this has 

something to do with sex. But it seemed wrong to me. What daddy was 

doing was wrong. And I don't know who to tell...

March 18, 1982 

Dear Diary,

    I've discovered something really neat. But I really hope no one 

ever reads this. This is our secret. My girlfriend Susan told me about 

it. It's called masterbaiting or something like that. Her sister told 

her about it. Susan told me that if you rub yourself down where you pee, 

and if you do it just right and for long enough, something AMAZING 

happens. I asked her what happened, but she just smiled at me and told 

me to see for myself. I had touched myself down there before and 

everything, so I didn't know what she was talking about. So as soon as I 

got home from school, I locked my door and took off my clothes. I leaned 

up against the wall while I was sitting on the bed. And I started 

touching myself. I got wet down there, just like before, and it felt 

good like that time in the bathtub. But this time I just kept rubbing 

and rubbing. I stuck my finger up inside, and then I'd run it around in 

circles. And it got faster and faster. I started to breath really fast, 

and my nipples started to ache. I almost felt dizzy, and then my hips 

started to shake. I wasn't even trying to move them! And the most 

strongest feeling I've ever had came. It was so wonderful! I didn't want 

it to stop. I did it three more times yesterday, and now I'm all sore 

and swollen down there. I can't wait to do it again!....

November 12, 1983 

Dear Diary,

    I feel like such an idiot! Remember last week when I was talking 

about how guilty I felt about touching myself -- and how mom and dad 

would be mad if they knew? I can't believe how stupid I've been. Today 

we talked about reproduction in my health class. Masturbation is 

perfectly normal! Everyone does it- boys too. That's what Dave was up to 

the time I caught him. He must have been so embarrassed. I'm sure glad 

he's never seen me do it. But I have to tell you something, dear diary, 

I've been peaking at him when he does it lately. I would just die if he 

knew! Yesterday, I hid in his closet and waited for him to come home 

from school. I peaked out from the cracks in the shutters, and sure 

enough he walked in and locked the door. I was so afraid he would hear 

me, I even held my breath. He pulled down his pants and underwear to his 

ankles, and laid back on his bed. His penis was small when he started, 

but right there in front of me, it got big. Just like they explained in 

class. He took out some hand lotion from his bottom drawer, and squirted 

it on his thing. And then he started stroking it up and down. I started 

to feel funny, just like that time when Bobby kissed me in the hall. His 

face started to kind of squint, and his hand went faster. The head of 

his penis turned a darker color, and he was grabbing it really hard! His 

hips started to jump around, just like mine do when I masturbate. And 

then it happened! His semen came out! But it really shot out! It went up 

in the air and landed on his belly. And it shot two more times! I didn't 

even notice that I had grabbed myself. I was feeling so warm! When Bobby 

got up and went to the bathroom, I snuck back in here and masturbated 

myself to an orgasm, too. It was wonderful!

December 15, 1983 

Dear Diary,

    I have to tell someone about whats been going on, I'm sure glad 

you're here. I've been thinking more about what mommy and daddy were 

doing that night a long time ago. Remember when I thought daddy was 

hurting her? Anyways, I decided to look through their bedroom, to see 

what I could find. I was just so curious! In daddy's closet in an old 

suitcase, I found a bunch of dirty sex magazines! Some of them were of 

nude women masturbating like I do, with their legs all spread wide. I 

really liked those! And some of them were of stuff sort of like what 

mommy and daddy were doing. There were pictures of women tied up and 

being beaten! And in one, the woman had the man's penis in her mouth, 

but then he reached down and grabbed her throat. Just like daddy did 

that night!

    I still don't understand what this stuff is all about, it seems 

dangerous or bad somehow. But dearest diary, I have to tell you, it sort 

of, well, it turns me on. When I played with myself today, I just kept 

thinking about my dad's hands on mommy's throat. And I came so hard! I 

wonder if Dave ever thinks about this stuff when he masturbates... I 

would love to know!

April 8, 1984 

Dear Diary,

    You'll never guess what's going on at school. People are asking 

each other to go with them! All the boys are asking us to go steady! And 

guess who asked me? Bobby! Remember that time he kissed me? Oh, I could 

just die, he did it again! And this time, it was different. What we did 

before, that was just baby stuff. This time it was for real!

    He took me out behind the building when school was done. You 

know that alleyway? -- Well there was no one there, and he started to 

kiss me, really hard! I couldn't believe it was me! And he started 

sticking his tounge in my mouth. He called it "frenching". I really 

liked that. I started to get all wet in my panties. And then he started 

touching my breasts! I felt so dirty! When I came home, I felt sort of 

strange about it for awhile, but now I can't wait to do it again! The 

truth is, dear diary, (and don't you dare tell anyone) that I want to 

see his dick. I want it in may hand, and I want to watch him squirt! 

I've been thinking about it all night! That's all for now. 


May 9, 1984

Dear Diary,

    So much has happened since I last wrote, both good and bad. 

Sorry I've been gone so long. Any way, my dream finally came true, and 

more! Two days ago, I was over at Bobby's house, and his parents were 

away for the weekend. They go on business trips a lot, and they told 

Bobby he was old enough to watch out for himself now-- So we had the 

place to ourselves! Anyway, we were watching TV under a blanket 

together. It was some stupid show, but neither of us was really watching 

it!  All of a sudden, I felt Bobby's hand on my knee, and he looked over 

and smiled at me. He's so gorgeous! He started kissing me, and the next 

thing I knew, I felt his hand working its way up my skirt! I was sort of 

afraid at first, but he was so gentle. I started to relax, and enjoy it! 

He worked his fingers under my panties, and one of them went up inside! 

I was so wet, and it felt so good!

    Bobby didn't really know what to do next, so I pulled off my 

clothes under the blanket, and put my hand over his. I showed him how I 

like it. Well, the next thing I knew, I was just totally lost in the 

feeling. I felt like my whole body was wet, not just my cunnie! And I 

came so good! It's really different when somebody else is doing the work 

for you! You never quite know what to expect!

    Anyway, after I came, I felt relaxed enough to tell Bobby what I 

wanted to do to him! He just smiled, and pulled the blanket off of us. 

He stood up, and took off his clothes. The last piece to go was his 

jockey shorts, and I was so excited! I had been dreaming about what he 

looked like down there for so long. And when he pulled his shorts down, 

his dick popped right out. He was already hard! And I don't know quite 

how to put this, but he was so, well - hairy! The hair was jet black, 

and almost furry. It was so much heavier and darker then my fuzz. I got 

flushed just looking at him!

    Sitting in front of him, I reached out and took his penis in my 

hand, and started stroking it like I had seen my brother do. Bobby told 

me to do it harder. I was worried that I would hurt it, but he made me 

grab him really hard!

    Then Bobby laid down on the couch next to me, and whispered in 

my ear. He wanted me to suck on him! At first I didn't want to, but 

Bobby grabbed on to my cunnie. It hurt a little bit. Then he said that I 

would suck him, and that when he came, I would swallow it. And diary, 

something in his voice... I dunno, it was like he was making me do it. I 

knew I could say no, Bobby has always been nice to me, but the thing 

was, it got me so hot! The idea that he was making me do it! I couldn't 


    So I sat down on the floor, and he put his legs on either side 

of me. And I leaned forward, and put his hard dick in my mouth! He 

tasted and smelled really strong at first. It almost made me gag. But 

then Bobby grabbed the back of my head and started pumping against my 

face. And, well, I liked it! I reached down between my legs and grabbed 

my cunnie- hard, like he had a moment ago. I came so fast it surprised 

me. Anyway, Bobby kept pumping and pumping my mouth. I looked up at him, 

and his head was swaying from side to side, and his belly was quivering. 

    All of a sudden, with no warning, he came. He shot straight back 

into my throat. And it made me cough. I really didn't like this part at 

first. But when he was done shooting, he took my chin in his hand and 

looked me straight in the eye. All he said was "swallow." And I did! The 

way he was making me do it, oh diary, I can't find the words!

    Anyway, to make a long story short, Bobby and I spent the whole 

day doing stuff like this. He even licked my cunnie -- the most amazing 

feeling! And when I got home, I was so excited, I had to tell someone. 

So I called Susan up. I told her every detail, and she giggled and I 

giggled, and I was just on top of the world! 

    I had no idea that she would tell anyone. Oh diary, I've made 

such a mistake. As soon as I got on the bus for school today, everyone 

started yelling "slut" and "whore". No one would give me a seat, and I 

had to stand the whole way.

    When the bus finally got there, and I was walking down the hall 

to my homeroom, I saw Bobby. He was standing in a group of his friends, 

with a big grin on his face. They were all smiling, and one was patting 

him on the back. And when they saw me they all started laughing. I ran 

out of the building, and walked all the way home. I didn't even tell 

anyone I was leaving. What am I going to do? Oh, this is such a 


June 7, 1987

Dear Diary,

    It's my birthday! Can you believe it? I'm 16 years old. You know 

what that means. Yup, its drivers license time! Yes! I'm half way 

through high school as of this very day. Time seems to be passing so 


    So much has changed for me. I was really upset when my parents 

made me change over to the private school, but now I'm really glad. If 

for no other reason than for getting a chance to start over. That 

business with being a slut and a whore, I mean really. Half the girls in 

that school were dreaming about doing what I did. Fuck Tem. I'm not 

gonna let that stuff bother me anymore. I know what I like, and I know 

what I want. I know all about birth control, and everything. And adults 

drive me crazy on this subject! They're so fucking condescending. Yes 

okay, I'm only sixteen, but I know how to look out for myself-- I'm not 

stupid or anything. Sometimes I feel like I'm more in touch with reality 

than they are!

    Anyway, anyway. I've been really bad about keeping this diary 

going. I do feel like it's important, though. I love reading through 

what I was doing years ago. It's like having a window to look through, 

and the person inside is me! So I'll try to keep it up better, I 

promise. I've also learned that I love to write! 

    Speaking of which, I suppose I should write this down, its 

something I'll always want to remember: I lost my virginity last week! 

So brace yourself for all the details, my friend.

    Rick called and said he had something special planned for the 

evening. He said he had the car, and he would be over to get me at eight 

that evening. I should have known what was up, his voice sounded so 

husky. I really love Rick. Dating a college guy is such a kick in the 

pants (literally!), but the main thing is that he's mature. He really 

understands what I want: to be treated like a woman, and not a little 

girl. He really listens to me when I talk, you know? Something in the 

way his eyes pierce into me-- well lets just say I've been wanting him 

for a long time.

    So anyway, Rick picked me up and did the strangest thing! When 

we got in the car, he gave me a bandanna and told me to blindfold 

myself. I giggled at first, but he said the evening was a surprise. So I 

did it, and we drove for about fifteen minutes, and he parked. He got 

out and led me from the car through a doorway and into a room. When he 

took the blindfold off, there were flowers everywhere! We were in a 

hotel room, and he had obviously come in earlier and set everything up. 

He poured us each a glass of champagne, and looking right in my eyes, he 

told me that he wanted to make love to me. As though I was going to say 

no??? God, I wanted him so bad. But the thing was, diary, (and I was so 

embarrassed) --I was having my period. I was really clumsy about it and 

just blurted it out.

    But Rick's stare just got more intense. He picked me up in his 

arms, and started kissing me so passionately. I can't really explain it. 

It was like we were communicating through the kiss. I felt like he was 

opening some very private part of himself to me, and he did it so 

freely! I was burning from the inside out. 

    He layed me back on the bed, and pulled my jeans and panties 

off. I was wearing a pad that night and I was just about to tell him 

that I really wasn't too comfortable with him seeing me this way -- when 

he lifted both of my legs up in the air, parting them, and practically 

dove his face into my cunnie!

    Rick was not a beginner at giving head. Oh my God. I had never 

had it like that! My blood and fluid were all over his face, and the 

sight of it was so animal like! I came twice before he even got the rest 

of my clothes off!

    And then he did the kinkiest thing! He rubbed my fluids up over 

my tummy and breasts and started licking them off. What can I say, I 

tore his clothes off! Rick was H'GE! I had never seen a dick that big 

before, except in magazines. Frankly, I wondered how we were going to 

get that thing inside me, but for the moment, I just wanted to taste 

him. I licked his balls, and they were furry and warm and wonderful. 

When I sucked his dick into my mouth, he came immediately, and it felt 

like gallons. Rick was so full of surprises. He bent over and french 

kissed me, licking his cum back out of my mouth. This man was 

incredible! I was so hot!

    I rolled a condom on to his penis. He said that was the first 

time a woman had ever done that for him. I replied in kind -- he was 

about to be the first man to ever be inside my cunnie. I threw him back 

on the bed and straddled him. I reached back between my legs and guided 

the head of his penis in. GOD! It wasn't so much that Rick was long, he 

was just so wide! I felt like my cunnie was being stretched to rival the 

Grand Canyon! It hurt so much! But I wanted him so much! And the pain 

was sweet.

    With no warning, Rick thrust his hips forward incredibly hard, 

and his dick drove all the way in. I cried out and raked my fingers 

along his arms, holding him still. He didn't move a muscle, but my cunt 

felt like it was pulling up inside me. I started spasming all over his 

cock! We remained still, but the pain was so intense, and the pleasure 

so strong, I came two times in a row just sitting on him!

    We tried a lot of other things that night, but it will always be 

that one moment I'll remember. The flowers everywhere, and the look on 

his face, and the pain, and the cum. The truly beautiful part about it 

was that I didn't really "lose" my virginity -- It was more like being 

born. There are so many experiences open to me now, and I feel like a 

baby exploring her new world. I'm curious, and scared, and excited all 

at once.

    Goodnight, my friend, I know I'll have sweet dreams.

March 19, 1990 

Dear Diary,

    I've had a wonderful experience that I've been meaning to share 

with you. Last weekend, I invited my new friend Kristen to come over and 

spend the night. I was lonely since everyone was away. We ordered pizza 

and watched a movie on TV together, and then we went up to my bedroom 

and started talking. 

    We talked about how apprehensive we both were about going away 

to college. Kristin wants to go out of state, and I still don't know 

where I want to go. We giggled over the prospect of finding ourselves 

some well built football players to party with, and this reminded me of 

Rick. (Yeah, I know, everything reminds me of Rick.) But I still miss 

our relationship, even today. I wonder how long the hurt will stay with 

me. I really confided in Kristin. And she was wonderful. She listened so 

intently, and she seemed to know all the right things to say. My head 

was in her lap and the tears just rolled down my cheeks. She held me and 

stroked my hair.

    Anyway, I finally got a grip on myself. We started joking around 

again, and I said something to the effect that maybe I should turn 

lesbo. Kristin got a really offended look on her face. I asked her what 

was wrong, what I had said. She shrugged it off, but I pushed her on the 

point. And then she told me. She was bisexual. She had known it from the 

time she was a little girl, and she had been hiding it from everyone 

since that time. She started crying! I was shocked, the last thing I had 

wanted to do was hurt her, and I told her as much. 'nlike some of the 

homophobes at school, I don't think there's anything wrong with people 

expressing themselves in this way. I really don't have a problem with it 

and I told her this.

    Kristen was pissed. She said something to the effect that I was 

being awfully self important. It wasn't what I had said that had started 

her crying. She said she was just so tired of hiding. She said she was 

sick to death of hearing people ridicule lesbian and bisexual women. She 

said she was crying because I was the first person she had ever told!

    I felt so close to her at that moment. And I didn't know any way 

to express what I was feeling for her. So I kissed her.

    At first she was startled, and a little gasp escaped from her. 

But the next thing I knew, she pulled me into her and started grinding 

her hips against me.

    I was drenched. I felt so naughty and absolutely passionate. I 

wanted the initiative. She needed me right then, and I was going to 

satisfy her with everything I had to give. I ripped her clothing and 

panties off and threw her back on the bed. I don't know how I knew, but 

something told me to give it to her rough.

    I scraped my fingernails down her torso, and pulled her lips out 

hard from her cunnie. She was wet and, I never had thought of a woman 

this way before, but she was beautiful. Her genitals were huge, and very 

hairy. I smiled to myself thinking of how hairy Bobby had been all those 

years ago.

    Her cunt was engorged. Red and raw and quivering. I put my face 

where it wanted to go. I licked her clitoris as fast as I could and 

squeezed her nipples. She was moaning and writhing, and I bore down on 

her nipple and started biting her clit. The more pain I caused her, the 

more she wanted it. It was incredible. I felt like I wanted to own her. 

I told her she was a dirty little bitch for keeping this side of her a 

secret for so long, and suddenly, I had the most amazing thought.

    I told her to lie very still and to think about the punishment 

she would receive when I returned. I went in the bathroom and found a 

jar of vaseline in the medicine cabinet. When I came back to the bedroom 

she was playing with herself. I commanded her to stop. I covered my 

whole hand with the vaseline, and inserted three fingers in her cunt.

    She was so big down there, and I knew what she needed. I worked 

my pinky finger in. I fucked in and out, violently. The harder I did it, 

the more she wanted it. She started to come, so I slapped her right 

breast with all my strength. She winced at the pain, and tears flowed 

down her face. I told her she would never, ever hide herself again, no 

matter what the cost.

    Then I worked my thumb in. Her pussy grabbed onto me so 

forcefully that my hand started to ache. She begged me not to do it, and 

I asked her if she meant it. She said no.

    I shoved my whole fist inside her in one movement. Her hips rose 

from the bed to meet my arm. Her whole body started shaking, and she 

screamed at the top of her lungs.

    Afterwards, I held her shaking body in my arms. She just kept 

saying "thank you" over and over again. We slept together that night and 

when I woke up she was gone. I haven't heard from her since, and I don't 

think I will. What was important was the release. For both of us.

September 5, 1993 

Dear Diary,

    And so I begin my last year of college. Lord knows what I'll do 

when I get out of here. I've been thinking about going for a second 

degree in counseling psychology. Honestly, though its hard to discuss 

with my friends, I would like to go into sex therapy. Lets face it, its 

the one thing that I've never lost interest in, and I have found such 

joy in my own sex life. I love the idea of helping others reach a 

similar level of satisfaction. People are so damn hung up about sex. 

I've met so few people that are proud of their bodies, and aware of what 

they want. Not that my own particular kinks would be for everyone of 

course. But the thing is, the more you learn about your needs and 

desires, the more you want to learn. I didn't just wake up one day and 

decide, "Hey, I think I'll be a kinky slut from now on." I grew into my 

sex life, and it grew around me.

    Speaking of which, I've been itching to write down my latest 

adventure. This one is a keeper, my old friend -- so pay attention.

    Last night at dinner, Rick told me he had a very intimate 

confession to make, and asked if I could come over to his apartment 

later in the evening. I told him yes of course. God. The last time he 

had told me that he had an "intimate confession" -- but that's another 


    Anyway, I rushed home and ransacked my collection of sex attire, 

looking for just the right outfit. As I was trying things on, I 

reminsced over my relationship with Rick. When we got back together that 

summer (Wow, so much time has gone by!), I was so full of doubts. I was 

so worried about basing my college choice on him. Ha! Little did I know 

that he would be asking me to marry him just three years later. I really 

love that man. He's never failed to surprise me.

    Having decided on the studded leather bra to complement the 

black seamed pantyhose, garter belt, and crotchless black panties, I 

donned my overcoat and went out the door. I was already lubricating at 

the thought of him.

    When I arrived at his apartment, I threw my arms around him, and 

kissed him with all my warmth. Removing my coat, I looked him straight 

in the eye, and asked him what new rule he would install in my training 

for the evening. He said I should feel privledged that my master was 

sharing his confession with me, that it was his right to subject me to 

his every whim -- when and how he pleased. I agreed, and assumed my 

subservient position before him. 

    Having done so, master then informed me that tonight, when he 

was done having his way with me, he would empty his bladder in my mouth. 

He further informed me that if I spilled so much as a drop, my 

punishment would be very severe indeed. He asked me if I understood his 

directions. I bowed my head before him. I had, of course, been trained 

not to speak during our sessions- even when prompted.

    We had never engaged in any kind of watersports before, and I 

simultaneously found this idea completely repugnant and absolutely 

necessary. I hated myself for loving this idea, and my nipples grew 

taught on my chest.

    Master began my training for the evening. He first ordered me to 

my second subservient position -- On my back, on the floor, with my legs 

spread wide. He then told me that I would be required to service his 

rectum with my tounge. Removing his clothes, he squatted over my face. I 

ran my tounge in light circles over his asshole, again and again. I 

believed my master was enjoying this, but he responded by throwing me 

over his lap, ripping my panties from my body, and spanking me again and 

again. He made my transgression clear. He informed me that from now on, 

when servicing him in this way, I would insert my tounge in his anus. 

Having been properly trained, we repeated the process, and I was made to 

do it correctly.

    I can't begin to explain how degrading it is to be treated in 

this manner. As a feminist, it is even harder to explain why I get off 

on this treatment in a manner that I can't achieve any other way. All I 

know is, sometimes, when Rick really gets me going, I cum from just the 

sound of his commanding voice. The main element is trust. I only let 

Rick push my boundries-- my sexuality -- hell even my sanity -- because 

I implicitly trust that he will bring me back. 

    But, where was I? --

    Master next informed me that I would be required to masturbate 

for him, no matter what else happened, and no matter how scared I 

became. He informed me that he would hurt me now, simply because he 

wanted to.

    I knelt before him and began the familiar ritual. My hands found 

my cunt wet and slippery to the touch. I began playing with my cunnie as 

instructed. Master informed me that he would not blindfold me tonight, 

as he wanted to look me in the eyes while he trained me. My hands worked 

in and out, back and forth. And then his hands were at my throat. Though 

we had done this many times before, there was something different about 

his face. His grasp was tighter than usual. Most times, Master allows me 

to breath a bit when doing this, but I knew that tonight would be 

different. Just like his face. Just like his eyes. My hands went out of 

control. I kept thinking, "He may kill me if he wishes, my life to his" 

over and over, as I had been trained. And my pussy gushed at the thought 

that it was happening right then. Little by little he was draining me. 

He was taking me for all time. My hips began to buck as the panic set 

in. My eyes were greying out, and I felt my bladder let go. And I came. 

So hard. So fucking unbelievably hard. Just as the blackness claimed me.

    I awoke to the sting of my masters hand across my face. Just 

like Daddy did to Mommy. Just like Daddy. Master was stroking his cock, 

and opening my mouth. Master was shooting in my mouth, shooting right in 

the back. Just like Bobby. Just like Bobby and little girl-me. Master 

smelled strong. Master tasted like everything I had ever known. Right 

there. Right then.

    And then master was soft, and poised, and ready. He let go, and 

his urine filled my mouth. I swallowed. Again. and Again. I couldn't 

keep up. Master just filled me and filled me until I overflowed.

    Rick sat down behind me and cradled me in his arms, rocking my 

shaking body, rocking me like a little scared baby. And I knew instantly 

by his touch that it was Rick comforting me. Not Master.

    This was the man I loved. The man that held me when I wept. The 

man that laughed with me, and sang his stupid songs to me. The man that 

had cried in my arms. This man was my equal, no more and no less. I 

loved him more intensely in that moment than I ever had. Because he was 

Rick. Because he was not Master. And I knew in that moment that we would 

make it. We would spend our lives together.

September 6, 1993

Dear Diary,

    I just read my entry from last night. I got so hot reading it, I 

had to play with my cunt. And you know what I kept thinking about while 

I was doing it to myself? That I want other people to read it. I want 

other people to know. I think I'll go through your pages, my old friend. 

I think I'll just go through each of those ten books you fill. And see 

what I can see. It's like a window that I'm peaking in, and the person 

inside is me. And I know, I remember, that there's a little girl in 

there. And she is stepping up to a window. She's peering through the 

cracks in the shutters. She's walking through the doorway. She's 

becoming a woman.



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