Related Free Sites - PopUp Free!
Fetish Sex Toys | BDSM World | The Fetish Exchange


Archive-name: Miscell/sudocunt.txt

Archive-author: Dick Sated

Archive-title: PseudoCunt


The other day I found an amusing and informative text file on

some BBS or other, explaining how to make a lifelike, artificial

vagina "out of common household products."

Hey, I thought, I've tried that. (Bet you have, too. Be honest.)

I was intrigued.

The guy who wrote it calls his device Porta-Pussy. It involves a

mailing tube, a string, and a balloon. Basically, you lower the

balloon into the tube, stretch the neck of the balloon to overlap

the outer edge of the tube, then use the string to stretch the

balloon down the length of the tube.

He suggests taping the tube to the edge of a table, kneeling down

and licking it for a while, then standing up and fucking it.

I just tried fucking it. It wasn't bad. I decided not to try the

advanced applications, though, which include sticking a dildo up

your ass and drinking the cum as it leaks out of the tube. Another

time, maybe.

But I did admire his imaginative design; simple to make, reasonable

facsimile, easy cleanup (throw away the balloon). His description

made fun reading, too; "How I Spell Relief." I encourage others to

download his file (called IWACK1.ZIP).

So, in a spirit of sharing, here's my technique. It doesn't look

as authentic as his, and it takes more preparation, but I think

it feels MUCH closer to the real thing. Close your eyes and the

PseudoCunt (this name just occurred to me; snappy, huh?) feels

just EXACTLY like a warm, wet, tight pussy.

You think I'm kidding, right?  Nope.  Read on, if you're so inclined.


                    1-   Registration

                    2-   Materials & Ingredients

                    3-   Construction

                    4-   How to Use

                    5-   Hints & Techniques

                    6-   Troubleshooting

                    7-   Why I Created PseudoCunt


     Ha, ha.  Get it?  It's software.  Real soft.  If you figure

     out who I am, send me some money.  PseudoCunt is not

     shareware, by the way. It's recommended for use alone.


     * Cylindrical container (see below)

     * Large pot (3-4 quart capacity)

     * Butter or margarine (2-3 tablespoons)

     * Vegetable oil (just a drop or two)

     * Saran Wrap or equivalent

     * Spaghetti or fettucini (lots; two boxes)

     * Sturdy rubber band

     * Several big, firm sofa cushions (optional)

     * Your favorite masturbation fantasies in magazine, video,

       gif, or virtual form


  1- Find a suitable container. This is the tough part. The

     best one I've found is an overlarge Mason-type jar (about

     11" tall), though these are hard to find. Second choice

     would be a length of PVC pipe sealed at one end, or a

     mailing tube, but it should be at least five inches in

     diameter. A half-gallon cardboard milk carton might work,

     with clever modifications.

  2- In a large pot, bring two or three quarts of water to

     full boil. Add a tablespoon of vegetable oil and a pinch of

     salt. Boil spaghetti to aldente texture (about 8 minutes).

     Any pasta will do, but I find spaghetti and fettucini most


  3- Drain spaghetti, but do not rinse. Mix in A FEW DROPS of

     vegetable oil (be CAREFUL not to use too much; use just

     enough to keep the spaghetti from sticking together) and

     stir well. Set aside in colander until cool enough to handle.

  4- While spaghetti is cooling, melt some butter (not much; about

     1/3 of one of those little butter pats you get with toast in

     a diner is enough).  Don't let it boil; 15-30 seconds in the

     microwave should do it.

  5- Stuff spaghetti into the container described in Step 1.

     Really pack it in tightly; as tight as you can cram it in.

     This is crucial to success. I use wooden cooking implements

     to tamp it down. When the jar is about 3/4 full, bore a hole

     down the center with something long and moderately thin (I

     use the long handle of a wooden stirring spoon) and continue

     packing spaghetti around it, up the brim. Remember to pack

     tightly; spaghetti will compress a lot more than you'd think.

  6- At this point, remove the rod or dowel or whatever, and

     pour a SMALL amount of melted butter down into the little

     hole to lubricate it. (By the way, I've found that butter or

     margarine feels much more like the creamy inside of an

     aroused cunt than any kind of oil; and I've tried quite a

     few). Stick your finger in and work the lubrication down

     into the little hole. Feels interesting, doesn't it? Close

     your eyes and probe, slowly; does that feel just EXACTLY

     like a wet pussy hole, or what?

  7- Now, use something wider and slightly tapered to widen the

     mouth of the surrogate vagina (I use the neck of a wine or

     beer bottle). Do this gently, and don't widen it to your

     full dick diameter; you want it to be nice and tight.

  8- Cut a generous length of Saran Wrap and stretch it tightly

     over the mouth of the jar. Fasten it tightly with the

     rubber band. Now punch a hole in the Saran Wrap in the

     obvious place. (Use a pencil, or a spoon handle, not a

     knife; a sharp cut will make the Saran Wrap tear.)


  1- Pile two or more big, thick sofa cushions on top of each

     other. Make an identical pile next to the first, leaving a

     12-inch space between the two piles.

  2- In the space between the cushions, spread a towel (or

     newspaper) on the floor. If properly constructed, your

     PseudoCunt should not make a mess unless you really get

     carried away, but it's a good idea to protect against this


  3- Position the PseudoCunt jar on the floor between the two

     cushion piles.

  4- Lie across the cushion piles, chest on one, thighs on the

     other, dick dangling in the space between. Now, gaze lovingly

     at whatever fantasy object you prefer, tease the head of your

     dick against the warm, slick mouth and begin fucking.


   * Before you get started, check with your finger to make

     sure your PseudoCunt has cooled to the proper temperature.

     You don't want to burn yourself. Optimum temperature should

     be obvious if you're a reasonably sexually active person.

     Push your finger in as deeply as you can; the bottom of the

     jar may be too hot even though the mouth is a nice, warm,

     cuntlike temperature.

   * The PseudoCunt is not recommended for quickies. Choose a

     time when you're absolutely certain you'll be alone and

     undisturbed. PseudoCunt takes some time to prepare, and a

     fair amount of what's called in cinema and theater circles

     'suspension of disbelief.' It can't be fully enjoyed if

     you're worried about your wife or girlfriend walking in and

     finding you fucking a jar of spaghetti.

   * Size of the container is important. Make sure it is at

     least two inches deeper than your dick is long, and wide

     enough so that your dick is surrounded by a generous cushion

     of pseudo cuntflesh. You don't want to bang up against the

     hard sides or bottom of the thing at a crucial moment.

   * Shape of the container is important, too. I like the jumbo

     jar configuration because the "shoulders" of the jar where

     the neck narrows help to keep the spaghetti in place when

     you withdraw on the out-strokes.

   * Don't use too much butter. A very small amount should suffice.

     Remember that your own secretions will increase the lubricating

     effect. It's not generally recognized that grease and oils

     actually DE-sensitize erectile tissue. A thin coat of oil on

     your dick is like wearing a condom. I find that the absolutely

     perfect effect is achieved by adding just a *tiny* amount of

     butter, then slathering saliva all over my dick just before

     first penetration. The combination of butter, saliva and natural

     lubrication that leaks from your dick feels closer to authentic

     vagina arousal than any oil I've ever tried.

   * Make adequate preparations. Arrange your favorite magazines

     on the floor in front of you, or display a particularly

     fascinating GIF, or make sure the VCR is cued up and the

     remote is handy. One of the real joys of using PseudoCunt is

     that it leaves both hands free to work the VCR remote or

     languidly browse through magazines, savoring the tight cunt

     sucking wetly at your dick with each slight movement of your

     hips. With careful preparation it's a damned comfortable

     position, and you can just lie there for as long as you please,

     indulging as many fantasies as your self-control will allow.

   * For best results, fuck slowly and gently on first

     penetration. This allows the PseudoCunt hole to adjust to

     the proper diameter.

   * Don't ram your dick in to the bottom at first. Go slowly,

     and try to restrain yourself as long as possible, fucking a

     just a little deeper at a time. Each time you stroke a

     little deeper, the PseudoCunt is a little tighter, and

     incrementally warmer. The sensation is fabulous if prolonged.

     I like to keep the last inch or so unpenetrated until I'm

     just at the point of cumming, then grunt and howl and plunge

     to the bottom and blast my sperm into the tight warmth deep

     down inside.

   * Sound effects, if authentic, can really heighten the effect.

     Porn videos just don't do it for me. Too contrived. I have a

     few audio tapes that do, though, and once in a while I'll put

     on the headphones while fucking my Pseudocunt. One is a tape

     I made by concealing the microphone in the headboard of the

     bed before fucking my wife doggy-style (you should consider

     trying this; it's incredibly arousing to hear the rutting

     grunts and screams of a woman you know). The rest are

     recordings of phone-sex conversations with two former

     girlfriends -- one in particular, whose panting and gasping

     and whimpering as she masturbates is truly phenomenal.

   * Shed all inhibitions. Admit to yourself that, while this may

     seem truly bizarre behavior, it feels incredibly good. Get

     hedonistic. Get totally naked. Or wear leather, or panties

     and a bra, or clothespins on your scrotum, whatever makes your

     dick throb and ooze.


If you experience problems with your PseudoCunt, the fault most

likely lies in your choice of materials, or lack of attention to

proper construction techniques.

Commonly experienced problems usually have simple solutions:

     Too hot for comfort


     If too hot, allow to cool at room temperature. Don't get

     impatient and put it in the freezer, or outside in a

     snowbank. If it cools unevenly, you're in for a very

     unpleasant surprise.

     Not warm enough


     If too cool, place jar in a pan of water on the stove and

     simmer for at least 30 minutes. To spread heat more evenly,

     make sure the water covers at least 2/3 of the jar, and

     place a wire rack beneath the jar to raise it off the bottom

     of the pan. If a glass jar is used, you can heat it in a

     microwave oven for a minute or so. [This procedure is not

     recommended if using a waxed cardboard milk carton.]

     These heating techniques, by the way, are handy for repeated

     use of your PseudoCunt between washings, unless you're too

     squeamish for sloppy seconds.

     It's also occurred to me that a hair dryer might be a quick

     alternative, but I haven't tried this. I'm not sure I could

     maintain a hardon or a straight face kneeling there naked

     and blow-drying a jar of spaghetti.

     Bits of greasy spaghetti cling to your dick on withdrawal


     This is normal. While the problem cannot be eliminated

     entirely, the effect can be minimized by several means:

          1- Make sure spaghetti is packed in VERY tightly.

          2- Use a high-shouldered jar (see above) to help keep

             the spaghetti in place on the out strokes.

          3- Make sure hole in Saran Wrap is not too large.

             Punch, do not cut, this hole to prevent tearing.

     PseudoCunt makes distracting slurping noises


     You used too much butter, or oil, or both. Or you've gang-

     banged your PseudoCunt one too many times and you need to

     clean it out and start over again at Step 2.

     Of course, if you want to fantasize about oral sex, this

     could be regarded as a design feature rather than a problem.

     Greasy stains on sofa cushions


     My wife responds to greasy stains on upholstery by

     immediately dumping a big pile of talcum powder on the

     spill, letting it sit for a while, vacuuming it off later,

     then calling in a professional furniture cleaner to finish

     the job.

     I try to avoid stains by making sure the Saran Wrap is

     tightly secured with the rubber band, and by spreading a

     towel over the leading edge of the sofa cushion pile. I'd

     rather not have to explain PseudoCunt stains to my wife.

     Fetid stench


     Throw away the spaghetti and wash the damn thing. Unless

     mold and bacteria growth play an essential role in your

     sexual fantasies, repeated use of the PseudoCunt is not

     recommended beyond, say, 24 hours. Refrigerate after use.


     No, I'm not a social outcast or a phobic recluse. I have a

     normal sex life (pretty fabulous, actually) so I should

     explain why I continued to experiment with masturbation

     techniques in adulthood, long after abandoning the clumsy

     remedies most teens invent to draw off excess spunk.

     One reason is simply that I'm a very sensuous person with a

     vivid imagination. I've found that I can occasionally attain

     amazing heights of sexual arousal when I masturbate. At the

     risk of sounding immodest, I've induced some of the best

     orgasms I've ever had.

     Another reason is that I am aware of absolutely no physical

     or psychological reasons not to masturbate, and can't help

     wondering if the world might not be a better place if more

     people did. Whether they use fists or balloons or spaghetti.

     Finally, it provides a fabulous way to indulge certain sexual

     fantasies that just can't be shared no matter how skilled and

     understanding one's lover may be. Know what I mean?

     If you're inclined to give this thing a try, I hope it

     enhances your own secret fantasies as much as it does mine.

     If you have a technique of your own, write it up and post it

     for others to share. If you find the whole concept disgusting,

     why did you read this far?

                                                 - Dick Sated


See All Our Feature Hardcore Sites!
Fetish Club, 1 Asian Porn, Fetish Cinema , XRated TV , V Girl, Massive Hardcore