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Archive-name: Miscell/pure-rk.100

Archive-author: Texas A&M

Archive-title: Purity Test - Roadkill

The reader hereby is warned that roadkill games can be dangerous; not

all that appears dead is dead; not all scents can be removed by normal

means (ie, soap and water); not many of those who are weak of heart or

stomach can truly enjoy roadkill games, and attempt to do so at their

own risk of O'spurt-ing; not all roadkill is suitable for all things

contained herein, and discretion must be used in what one attempts to

do with a given piece of roadkill; not many states have laws

specifically banning roadkill games, but most judges and juries will

not think twice about locking up and throwing away the key on anyone

who can be shown to have participated in roadkill games; roadkill can

carry odd diseases; odd diseases can be passed between two or more

people engaging in roadkill games with the same piece of roadkill; not

all roadkill can be trusted when it says "I have it covered"; not all

roadkill is natural, some roadkill is manufactured and placed on the

road for tourist's viewing pleasure by local governments (case in

point: the number of armadillos one can see as roadkill on any given

day in Texas far exceeds any estimations of the living population on

the previous day); not all roadkill is suitable for consumption; not

all roadkill will go with "basic black" pumps; not all people consider

roadkill a topic for polite conversation; not all parties can be

livened up by bringing along your own roadkill; not many people

consider roadkill an appropriate housewarming gift; not all roadkill

enjoys being roadkill; not all universities have roadkill

organizations that can tell you where the really good roadkill is and

that can inform you of local laws and customs in the area of roadkill

(start your own, today!); not many hunting magazines consider roadkill

eligible for "best kill" competitions; not many people read all of

these conditions, but all are held to have if they read later portions

of the test, and therefore the authors are not libel in any way,

shape, or form for anything that happens to a reader because of having

read the Omnisex, Roadkill Purity Test, unless of course something

GOOD happens to the reader, in which case we demand 40% off top--

contact the law firm of Grinch, Evil-anti-Grinch and Assoc., College

Station, TX, 77840, for payment instructions.


The Roadkill Purity Test is a blatant plagiarism of the original Purity Test, 

and therefore we shall list its history as the history of this test.

Original Style Purity Test Genesis/History:


Version 1 (100) Created at MIT-1@aker House.  Two parallel versions; one for

                male, and one for female.  Not much is known about this

                version.  It was ported to CMU by ps in 1982.

Version 2 (247) Spring 1983 - CMU/jb, pd, kr, ps, ts, mt, et al.

                Expanded to 247 questions.  This marked the beginning of

                the unisex versions. The story goes that they intended it to be

                250 questions, but got tired that night and said  "we'll  think

                of three more tomorrow", and tomorrow never got there.

Version 3.3C.1 (400) on 05-Dec-1984

                First  formal  release  general of this test, version 3.xx. All

                former versions were short-lived and tended to be bug-ridden.

                Does not discriminate against gays or bi's. Added 

		Genesis/History section.

Version 3.4 (400) on 29-Jan-1985

                Internal version;  never  released.  Source  code  accidentally

                destroyed,  much  to  the  consternation of one of the authors.

                Cleaned up many bugs. Added sections: Disclaimer of  Liability,

                Instructions for Use, Scoring, and Warranty Information.

Version 3.5 (400) on 10-Apr-1985

                Rebuilt from the 3.3C.1 source and the 3.4 (only surviving

                copy) Xerox X9700 laser printer hardcopy.  Cleaned up same bugs

                in 3.4.  Added in verbose history section.

Version 3.5A (400) on 13-Apr-1985:  CMU/dausesa, tc, no, dt, sv, rz, et al

                Found  that  we  had  431  questions  instead  of 400.

Version 3.5B (400) on 18-Mar-1986: Yale (Pierson College)/ as

                Intermediate release, with footnotes integrated into main body

                of text and some grammatical errors cleaned up.  Begun in

                Fall, 1985; finished in April for the benefit of a friend at

                MIT (where it all began), who hadn't seen any versions except

                the antique Version 1.

Version 3.5C (400) on 17-Jan-1988: Yale (Pierson College)/mmd (CLARINET@YALEVM)

                Grammatical errors corrected.  Introduction and history

                cleaned up.

Version 4.0 (500) on 23-April-1988: Yale (Silliman College)/dfc, ad, dcg, mlm,

                and Dartmouth (Alpha Theta)/alb.  Original 400-question version

                expanded to 500 questions.

Roadkill 1.0 (232) on 31-April-1990: Texas A&M University (Forum)/mjf, mtm

		while authors worked on update to 690 questions of original 

		style 4.0 version, a 1000 question version was posted by 

		competitors.  Authors completed destroyed by information, and 

		in a fit of depression, anger, and laughter create the Roadkill

 		style Purity Test, Version 1.0 



Instructions for Use:


This is a fairly long test consisting of 232 questions.  It starts out

tame and gets progressively worse (or better, depending on your

viewpoint).  There are many ways of going about taking this test.  You

can, of course, as your right, guaranteed by the Constitution, be

anti-social and sequester yourself in your room and take this test all

by yourself; however, we feel that the funniest way to utilize this

test is to hold a Purity Test Party.  All you need is one copy of the

test, and a bunch of friends.  (We find that writing implements and

paper are usually useful too.)  The person with the copy of the test

is the test administrator; she/he/it reads the questions out loud and

everybody else writes down their answers.  We have no definite rules

as to whether the participants are required to divulge their answers;

that is up to the group to decide.  However, each person's purity

score should be made common knowledge.  (The person with the lowest

score gets to be avoided at all cost by all sane people at the party.)

This works great at parties and lets everybody have a good laugh, and

know who to avoid as potentially being Charles Mason incognito.  We

advise that whoever is administering the test have the number of a

local 24-hour mental health facility handy for those that score

particularly low on this test.  Don't leave home without it (this test

or the number).





All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened to you

subsequent to your weaning and babyhood/infancy.  Anything that may

have happened before that time is considered not standing and void.


We should define exactly what is considered roadkill.  Human corpses

are never considered roadkill; they are covered in the necrophilia

section of the original style Purity Test.  Roadkill is anything that

could have once been considered alive, but which has been killed on a

highway, farm-to-market road, city street, or any similar set path for

motorized vehicles to travel on, by one of those said motorized

vehicle.  Motorized vehicle includes all cars and sizes of trucks, all

motorcycles, mopeds (not that these make much roadkill) and anything

else that gets you around while letting fat collect on your butt and

cholesterol clog your veins.

What constitutes a "particularly good" piece of roadkill can not be

strictly defined, and the parties involved in taking the test need to

decided among themselves what criteria should be followed in judging

roadkill.  The authors would like to suggest that visual aspects are

usually the most important factor in judging roadkill, and neatness is

usually a strike, not a bonus.  However, scent can not be ignored

(especially with skunk-roadkill, or particularly aged roadkill) and

should figure into the judging in some manner.  Beyond that parties

should decided on their own if size is a factor (ie, aren't somethings

too big not to have been hit on purpose?), or is being able to tell

the make of the tire that "did the deed" from the markings on the

roadkill a bonus or not.

We should like to point out that unlike the original version of the

Purity Test, you should be very concerned with the score you get on

this test. The lower the score you get, the more we would like to

advise that you seek professional mental help.  (See administrator of


                       --- ALL TECHNICALITIES COUNT ---


Section 1:  Some Ethical Questions  16 Questions.


Have you ever done any of the following:

   1. administered a whole Roadkill Purity Test or are in the process of

      administering a whole Roadkill Purity Test of any version?  (That's 

      where you are the test administrator in a Purity Test Party. See 

      "Instructions for Use" for further information.)

   2. taken the Roadkill Purity Tests of any versions more than 5 times?

   3. lied on any previous Roadkill Purity Tests?

   4. exaggerated about any roadkill experiences?

   5. discussed roadkill and/or any related subjects in mixed company?

   6. thought you might have unintentionally created roadkill?

   7. mistaken roadkill for a speedbump?

   8. lied about having made roadkill?

   9. thought roadkill was merely and old brown-paper bag and therefore aimed

      for it, only to discover your mistake when you got home and tried to 

      clean off that "ketchup"?

  10. have you ever gotten roadkill hooked to your vehicle and known it, but 

      not stopped, rationalizing, "It'll fall off eventually anyway."

  11. created unwanted roadkill?  (all roadkill deserve a loving home-- adopt 

      some, today!)

  12. Created roadkill while you were under the legal age for driving the type 

      of vehicle you were driving in the state in which you were doing so?

  13. created sympathy roadkill? ("Ol' Rover just ain't as happy as he used to 

      be...." *vroom*  *b-bump*)

  14. given or received roadkill as payment for services?

  15. gone to (or escorted someone to) a Roadkillers Anonymous meeting?  

      (Authors do not endorse such groups because they're party poopers.)

  16. been arrested for roadkill games?  (Authors deny any liability)


Section 2:  Drugs and Roadkill.  22 Questions.

Have you ever done any of the following:

  17. played roadkill games while under the influence of drugs or alcohol? 

      (what other way is there?)

  18. taken the Roadkill Purity test while under the influence of drugs or 

      alcohol?  (How many of you are getting *this* one?)

  19. used drugs or alcohol to lower someone else's inhibitions about roadkill?

  20. used drugs or alcohol to lower you own inhibitions about roadkill?

  22. hidden drugs in roadkill?

  23. used said drugs a few days later?

  24. found drugs in roadkill by accident?

  25. used said drugs anyway?

  26. been so doped up you mistook roadkill for a live animal?

  27. drug said roadkill around by a leash saying, "Gotta take Rover for a 


  28. attempted to teach said roadkill tricks?

  29. attempted to feed said roadkill?

  30. been disturbed by said roadkill's behavior, so taken it to the vet, only

      to be treated yourself?

  31. ground up old, dry roadkill and tried to smoke it?

  32. succeeded?

  33. actually gotten a buzz from it?

  34. made money by selling ground-up roadkill as drugs?

  35. had customers come back for more?

  36. been so doped up that you mistaken a live animal for roadkill

      and tried to play roadkill games with it?

  37. almost gotten your arm chewed off when you tried to hide drugs in said 

      live animal?

  38. created roadkill by hiding drugs in said live animal?


Section 3:  Sex and Roadkill / Roadkill and Sex    13 Questions.

FYI: sex with roadkill is defined as using roadkill in some manner to 

	physically stimulate your genitals until climax (for you-- the 

	roadkill can't climax, it's dead).

Have you done any of the following:

  39. had an arousing dream about roadkill?  (Wet dreams and the like.)

  40. had to fantasize about roadkill during sex, oral sex, or mutual 

      masturbation in order to be able to climax?

  41. had to describe roadkill to a partner during sex, or mutual masturbation,

      in order to get he/she to climax?

  42. had to describe roadkill to a partner during sex, oral sex, or mutual 

      masturbation, in order to get you to climax?

  43. met someone and had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation, with them 

      while out judging roadkill?

  44. met someone and had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation, with them 

      while out collecting roadkill?

  45. met someone and had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation, with them 

      while out checking roadkill for stashed drugs?

  46. used roadkill in some fashion to get sex? (Rover was *sob* hit by a car 

      last week...)

  47. claimed domestic pet roadkill as your own to try and get "sympathy sex" 

      out of someone?

  48. ever had it work?

  49. told someone that you too love roadkill strictly because you wanted to 

      have sex with them?

  50. forced or coerced someone into having intimate physical relations

      with roadkill?

  51. had sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation where roadkill was merely involved

      as an inanimate object?


Section 4: Roadkill as a Sex Object. 39 Questions.

Have you ever done any of the following:

  52. stroked or fondled roadkill?

  53. kissed roadkill on the lips?

  54. kissed roadkill elsewhere?

  55. French kissed roadkill on the lips? 

  56. French kissed roadkill elsewhere? 

  57. had an orgasm because of roadkill in some way, shape or form?

  58. had sex with roadkill?  (one on one)

  59. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation with more than 10 separate and 

      different pieces of roadkill? (two pieces of the same kill count only 

      once total)

  60. had sex with roadkill which you never saw? (Authors in no way condone 


  61. attempted to have sex with roadkill which you, in a doped up haze,

      mistook for a live animal and succeeded?

  62. gone back for more?

  63. gone back for more AFTER you sobered up?

  64. attempted to have sex with a live animal which you, in a doped up haze, 

      mistook for roadkill and been *seriously* injured?

  65. turned down sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation with a person to go 

      have sex with roadkill?

  66. turned down sex with a live animal to go have sex with roadkill?

  67. had sex with roadkill using an appenditure/orifice that nature did not 

      intend to be there? 

  68. caught odd disease through having sex with roadkill?

  69. had anal sex with roadkill?  (an orifice nature did intend to be there)

  70. brought roadkill to a party and passed it around in a spin-the-bottle

      like game, where the *winner* gets to have sex with the roadkill?

  71. enjoyed sex with some particular piece of roadkill so much that you 

      brought it home and attempted to preserve it for later use?

  72. used it later?

  73. used it later even though your attempts at preservation were not working?

  74. presently have some roadkill waiting for you at home right now?

  75. planned to just "pick some up" on the way home tonight?

  76. had sex with roadkill in a place where you could be seen by others? 

  77. had sex with roadkill in a place where you could be seen by others on 


  78. had sex with roadkill in a place where you could be seen by others on  

      purpose, and *made*sure* someone saw?

  79. had sex with roadkill in front of your significant other in an attempt 

      to arouse them?

  80. made video tapes of yourself having sex with roadkill to show, and 

      hopefully, arouse your significant other?

  81. had said video tapes get into the "wrong hands"?

  82. rented a roadkill porno flick and discovered yourself or your significant

      other playing the star role?

  83. rented a roadkill porno flick and discovered your missing pet playing the

      non-living star role?

  84. had sex with roadkill as part of an act which you got paid for?

  85. been paid extra to go to a fan's home and repeat the performance

      with said fan's own favorite piece of roadkill?

  86. been presently fantasizing about have sex with roadkill right now?

  87. been enjoying it?

  88. would you like to take a break to fulfill these fantasies then

      finish the test later? 

  89. Did you take a break to fulfill your fantasies?

  90. Did you lower your score by taking this break?


Section 5:  Roadkill and Sex Part II: Locality.  36 questions.


This section tries to figure out how many places you have had sex with 

roadkill in.


Have you ever had sex with roadkill in any of the following places:

  91. a place of religion? (Church, temple, altar, Grand Holy Cabbage Head 

      Patch, etc.)

  92. a place of the dead? (Morgue, mortuary, cemetery, etc.)

  93. a contraption of the dead? (Coffin, hearse, body bag, etc.)

  94. in/on a construction site (house, office, launch platform, etc.)?

  95. in a moderately sized, land/road-based vehicle of LESS THAN 30,000 pounds

      net unladen gross weight?  (car, station wagon, van, minivan, minibus, 


  96. in a moderately sized, land/road-based vehicle of LESS THAN 30,000 pounds

      net unladen gross weight, that was used to create the roadkill? 

  97. in a moderately sized, land/road-based vehicle of LESS THAN 30,000 pounds

      net unladen gross weight, while trying to make MORE roadkill?

  98. in a land/road-based vehicle of MORE THAN 30,000 pounds net unladen 

      gross weight?  (truck, tank, armored car, steam-roller, crane, bulldozer,

      garbage truck, etc.)

  99. in a land/road-based vehicle of MORE THAN 30,000 pounds net unladen 

      gross weight, that was used to create the roadkill?

 100. in a land/road-based vehicle of MORE THAN 30,000 pounds net unladen 

      gross weight, while trying to make MORE roadkill?

 101. in a land-based, non road dependent vehicle? (Train, subway, roller-

      coaster, monorail, Disneyland ride, etc.)

 102. in a water based, manual powered vehicular transport medium? (Rowboat,

      surfboard, floating bathtub, etc.)  (For this question it only counts if

      the thing was in the water at the time.)

 103. in a water based, wind or propeller driven transport medium LESS THAN 80

      feet in length?  (Yacht, PT boat, windsurfer, Sunfish, etc.) (in this 

      case, seakill can be considered roadkill, ie, dolphins, sea turtles, etc)

 104. in a water based, wind or propeller driven transport medium MORE THAN 80

      feet in length?  (Cruise ship, battleship, aircraft carrier, nuclear

      submarine?, etc.)(once again, seakill can be considered roadkill, ie, 

      dolphins, sea turtles, etc)

 105. in an aircraft?  (Airplane, helicopter, hovercraft, balloon, zeppelin,

      space shuttle, flying carpet, flying saucer, etc.)

 106. in a household room other than a bedroom?

 107. on the floor (but not the roof)?

 108. on the roof (but not the floor)?

 109. on any furniture that is indoors but is not a bed, table, desk, counter-

      top, a nor anything that is predominantly used for sitting or as a 

      table/desk?  (Television, washer/dryer, microwave, etc.)_

 110. in a telephone booth, voting booth, automatic photograph taker, or any 

      such small, non-moving enclosure that was not designed for such 


 111. in an elevator, people-mover, escalator, dumbwaiter, or any building-

      internal people moving device?

 112. up a tree but not in a tree house or similar structure?

 113. up a tree and in a tree house or similar structure?

 114. in a suspension device of some kind (hammock, trampoline, tightrope, 

      safety net, etc.)?

 115. on the roof of a building in excess of 5 floors?

 116. inside or within the confines of a hedge, bush, other natural vegetation

      which can provide a wall effect, cave, rock overhang, well, or any other 

      secluded, outdoor, non-vegetative shielding structure?

 117. in the snow? 

 118. in the spring thaw with same roadkill, that winter had so considerately 


 119. in a place where the prevailing, ambient temperature (of the air 

      immediately surrounding you) was below the freezing point of water?

 120. in a place where the prevailing, ambient temperature was below the 

      freezing point of water, because you wanted the roadkill to last as long 

      as possible?

 121. in a place where you could have been discovered?

 122. in a water-filled bathtub, hot tub, or under a shower or other running 

      water (waterfall, torrential downpour, monsoon, etc.)?

 123. in a body of water? (swimming pool, swimming hole, pond, lake, lagoon, 

      sea, ocean, etc.) (seakill counts)

 124. on the beach (and the resultant sand in uncomfortable places)?

 125. in a bathroom of the opposite sex?

 126. gone to a motel (however sleazy) for the sole purpose of having sex with 



Section 5:  Roadkill Hobbies                     27 questions.


	A roadkill hobby is anything that is not adventurous enough to qualify

	as a roadkill game, but which some people do for pleasure anyway.

 127. collected roadkill?

 128. used roadkill as fertilizer?

 129. kept a written record of roadkill you have seen?

 130. kept a written record/judging on every piece of roadkill you have seen?

 131. kept a written record/judging of roadkill you have created?

 132. written a Roadkill Purity Test?

 133. watched a television special on roadkill?

 134. taped said special to watch again?

 135. watched said special with your significant other?

 136. moved roadkill around to increase esthetic effect?

 137. backed up to get another look at a "particularly good" piece of roadkill?

 138. gone home, found a friend or lover, and brought them back to see said 

      "particularly good" piece of road kill?

 139. had him/her bring a camera with black and white film?

 140. had him/her bring a camera with color film?

 141. had him/her bring a video-recorder?

 142. had him/her hire a professional film crew and use 80mm color film it was 

      so good?

 143. reminisced about the "good ol' days" of roadkill?

 144. gotten into an argument over which section of the country has the best 


 145. had a competition to find out?

 146. been a judge?

 147. won?

 148. stated in your will that a part of your estate should go to the creation 

      (or continued existence) of a roadkill promotion organization at your 

      alma mater?

 149. erected a memorial at the sight of a bit of "particularly good" roadkill?

 150. visited others memorials?

 151. come to tears because you weren't there to see that bit of "particularly 

      good" roadkill yourself?

 152. laid flattened rodentia/amphibia at the base of said memorial?

 153. designed, printed, and distributed a map showing all such memorials in 

      your area or state?


Section 6     Roadkill Games.   78 questions

The section you've all been waiting for.  Roadkill games are similar to 

roadkill hobbies but much more adventurous.  Most people begin with roadkill 

hobbies, then move on to roadkill games, then, as the years pass by and the 

joints stiffen, return to roadkill hobbies.  If you answer "yes" to ANY 

question in this section, you're hooked-- you will be a roadkill fan for the 

rest of your lonely, lonely life.

Have you ever:

 154. cooked and eaten roadkill?

 155. eaten roadkill raw?

 156. quenched your thirst with whatever you could squeeze out of roadkill?

 157. made roadkill margaritas? 

 158. used roadkill as bait?

 159. used roadkill to feed your pets?

 160. fed roadkill to someone else and lied about where you got the meat?

 161. told them the truth when they were done?

 162. refused to clean up the mess when they didn't make it to the toilet?

 163. told someone you had fed them roadkill when you hadn't?

 164. refused to clean up the mess when they didn't make it to the toilet?

 165. sent a roadkill recipe into a cooking contest?

 166. won said contest?

 167. made chocolate-covered roadkill? (just like Ma used to make)

 168. ordered a roadkill dish at a restaurant?

 169. ordered a roadkill dish FROM THE MENU at a restaurant?

 170. complimented the chef on said dish?

 171. called for pizza and asked for roadkill as one of your toppings?

 172. sent said pizza back claiming roadkill wasn't fresh?

 173. bought bottled roadkill juices?

 174. marketed any roadkill products for human consumption?

 175. gotten rich from it?  (authors demand a cut of profits-- see prologue)

 176. practiced for your biology lab on roadkill?

 177. sold roadkill to high schools for use in biology labs?

 178. been required to bring in roadkill for your biology lab?

 179. dissected roadkill for the fun of it with a few friends?

 180. dissected roadkill for the fun of it with a few friends, while SOBER?

 181. dissected two or more pieces of roadkill of different species and then 

      created new and wonderful species with the parts? (all respects to Gary

      Larson-- but no money)

 182. attempted to transplant parts from roadkill to live animals?

 183. succeeded?

 184. attempted to transplant parts from roadkill to live humans?

 185. succeeded?

 186. gotten national press coverage for it?

 187. sold the rights to the mini-series of it? (authors want their cut-- see 


 188. dissected roadkill and saved just your "favorite parts"? (see roadkill 

      and sex)

 189. made and sold lucky rabbit's feet from roadkill, not all of it rabbits?

 190. made and sold lucky armadillo's feet from roadkill, not all of

      it natural?

 191. used parts of roadkill to repair your vehicle on a lonely highway?  

      (authors find that ligaments make great fanbelts)

 192. used roadkill as decoration on your car?  (bucks on the fender count, but

      only if it's actually roadkill)

 193. purposely attached roadkill to your bumper and drove around scaring old 


 194. purposely attached old women to your bumper and drove around scaring 


 195. used roadkill as part of a Mob (organized crime) "warning"?

 196. wrapped up a piece of roadkill as a present and sent it to a

      former lover?

 197. signed said present with his/her present lover's name?

 198. taken home roadkill to show it to your mother?

 199. taken home roadkill to show it to your lover?

 200. been complimented on it by either?

 201. hidden a speaker in a piece of roadkill and had it make noises if anyone 

      approached?  (bark, meow, etc)

 202. secreted electronics in a "particularly good" piece of roadkill so as to 

      be able to make it move as if of its own volition? 

 203. used roadkill as a hand puppet?  (yes, actually INSERTING your hand 


 204. used roadkill as equipment in an organized sport?  (Cat sailing, 

      Armadillo football, "the cat's second base", etc)

 205. taken a photo of domestic pet roadkill and made up posters with the photo

      saying "Found:  please call..."

 206. returned domestic pet roadkill to its former owner?

 207. returned domestic pet roadkill to its former owner and demanded the 


 208. taken roadkill to a vet just to watch him/her squirm as they try to 

      explain to you that it's already dead?

 209. sold roadkill to a child for a pet, claiming "it's just sleeping..."?

 210. purposely thrown your pets favorite toy into the street in hopes it would

      become roadkill?

 211. thrown your pets favorite toy into the street, hopped in your car and...?

 212. done the above so you could have sex with your unwilling pet as roadkill?

 213. constructed art from roadkill?

 214. had fans bring you roadkill so that you could make it into art for them?

 215. received federal grants to support your production of roadkill art?

 216. gone to a costume party as roadkill?

 217. held a "come as your favorite piece of roadkill" party?

 218. won the costume judging contest because you used an actual piece of 

      roadkill to construct your costume?

 219. had a roadkill fight?  (similar to food-fight, but...)

 220. moved roadkill so that it was in the line of tires of oncoming vehicles?

 221. taken bets on how far a piece of roadkill will get knocked by a vehicle?

 222. fixed said bets by nailing roadkill down?

 223. constructed fake roadkill out of an old pillow and turkey

      gizzards just to see how many people would bother trying to avoid it?

 224. ever swerved to purposely hit roadkill?

 225. ever swerve to purposely MAKE NEW roadkill?

 226. constructed clothing from the hides/pelts of roadkill?

 227. sold said clothing?

 228. won awards for said clothing?

 229. been harassed by animal rights activist for wearing said clothing?

 230. constructed clothing from animal rights activist?

 231. sent a picture of a "particularly good" piece of roadkill to Late Night 

      with David Letterman in the hopes that Dave would call you an "incredible

      sicko" on national television? 

 232. repeatedly done the above with the same roadkill?


I. Scoring

Congratulations!  You are now the proud owner of a sheet of paper

containing lots of itty-bitty answers to the Roadkill Purity Test.

Sworn to excellence of workmanship, we now give you directions on how

to calculate your Roadkill Purity score.  There are several methods;

the calculator method works best.  Also good is the a la mainframe

method.  (A DECsystem-2060 works great as a PC.)


Scoring method:  Count "yes" answers.

                 Subtract that number from 232.

                 Divide the result by 232.

		 Multiply the result by 100.

                 The result is your percentage purity.


The higher the number, the more pure you are; in the same vein, the lower the

score, the more of a sick puppy you are.


For your reference, we include calculator directions:

     For people with real calculators (HP):

               <# of NO answers> [ENTER] 232 / 100 *

     For people with other (dinky) calculators:

               <# of NO answers> / 232 = X 100 =


II. Warranty Information

We hope that you have enjoyed this test. It does not come with a

warranty, nor does it guarantee that it will get you your own roadkill

or make you somehow somewhat better with roadkill, the making of

roadkill, or the lamination of roadkill.

The makers of this test are not responsible for any liabilities or

damages resulting from this test, including but not limited to mental

derangement suits.  Ask your doctor or psychologist.

Do not dissect roadkill test; no user serviceable parts inside, but

the roadkill might have a few.

Propagate this test and roadkill at will, even without the written

permission of the publisher or the owner; just don't edit, change, or

waste it.  In reproducing this test, the authors of this test may

exercise droit de seigneur over you, your immediate family, fiance, or

pet.  You may or may not have additional rights which may vary from

state to state.  Not recommended for children under twelve, or pets

over 400 pounds.  Parental guidance discouraged.  Pencils, additional

paper, batteries, and the Beginner Roadkill Set (available through

GrinchCo, College Station, TX, 77840) not included.  Some assembly or

preservation may be required.  Does not come with any other figures.


Drive carefully; roadkill missed is roadkill wasted.


The above is a public service announcement of this institution, and




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