Archive-name: Miscell/pure-001.501
Archive-author:
Archive-title: Purity Test - 1 Question
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THE UNISEX, OMNISEXUAL
P U R I T Y T E S T
_______________________________________________________________________________
Version 5.01 (1)
Final Release
11-September-1989
_______________________________________________________________________________
Public domain; no copyright. All rights wronged, all wrongs reversed. Up with
going down. The risen flesh commands: let there be love. Murphy's law on
sex: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics. Chaste makes
waste. Virginity can be cured.
This document was not sponsored by the Department of Defense Advanced Research
Projects Agency, and was not monitored by the Air Force Avionics Laboratory.
The views and conclusions contained in this document should not be interpreted
as representing the official policies, either expressed or implied, of the
Defense Advanced Projects Agency or the US Government. Neither should it be
interpreted nor inferred that the authors/contributors have actually performed
any of the actions contained herein.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Disclaimer of Liability
The user of this test acknowledges that sex is a hazardous sport; that a person
must copulate in control, and use good judgement at all times; that partners'
conditions vary constantly and are greatly affected by weather changes and
previous use; and that dirty sheets, variations in terrain and bed surfaces,
spouses/pimps/managers, forest growth, rocks and debris, clothed obstacles, and
many other natural and man-made obstacles and hazards, including other users
and customers, exist throughout the bedroom area. Personal managers
(pimps/spouses) and sado-masochistic operations and equipment are constantly in
use and may be hazardous to those not copulating in control. Impotence,
collisions, and social diseases resulting in injury can happen at any time,
even to those copulating in control with proper sexual equipment. Inherent
risks are part of the sport and may exist within your partner. As a condition
of being permitted to use the facilities of your partner, the user of this test
agrees to copulate in control and within the limits of his/her ability, and
further acknowledges and accepts these hazards, dangers, and risks and assumes
the risk of injury or loss to person or damage to property which might result
from use of the partner's facilities.
As a further condition of being permitted to use the facilities of your
partner, the customer understands and agrees that: (1) in the event of a
transfer of use by another or anything else in the management's opinion is
misconduct, misuse, kinky, impotence, or nuisance, this service may be revoked
s/he must be presented to any authorized representative of the pimp/spouse; (3)
sexual equipment must be visibly displayed at all times when you are in any
bedroom and when approaching the bed to copulate. Your sexual partner is not
transferable; see Theft of Services, V.S.A., sections 2581 and 2582.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Purity Test Genesis/History:
Version 1 (100) Created at MIT's Baker House. Two parallel versions; one for
male, and one for female. Not much is known about this
version. It was ported to CMU by ps in 1982.
Version 2 (247) Spring 1983 - CMU/jb, pd, kr, ps, ts, mt, et al.
Expanded to 247 questions. This marked the beginning of
the unisex versions. The story goes that they intended it to be
250 questions, but got tired that night and said "we'll think
of three more tomorrow", and tomorrow never got there.
Version 3.3C.1 (400) on 05-Dec-1984
First formal release general of this test, version 3.xx. All
former versions were short-lived and tended to be bug-ridden.
Does not discriminate against gays or bi's. Good correspondence
of scores (especially in the higher score ranges) between this
version and version 2. Added Genesis/History section.
Version 3.4 (400) on 29-Jan-1985
Internal version; never released. Source code accidentally
destroyed, much to the consternation of one of the authors.
Cleaned up many bugs. Added sections: Disclaimer of Liability,
Instructions for Use, Scoring, and Warranty Information.
Version 3.5 (400) on 10-Apr-1985
Rebuilt from the 3.3C.1 source and the 3.4 (only surviving
copy) Xerox X9700 laser printer hardcopy. Cleaned up same bugs
in 3.4; wiped out a duplicate question. Added in verbose
history section.
Version 3.5A (400) on 13-Apr-1985: CMU/da, fa, tc, no, dt, sv, rz, et al
Found that we had 431 questions instead of 400.
Version 3.5B (400) on 18-Mar-1986: Yale (Pierson College)/ as
Intermediate release, with footnotes integrated into main body
of text and some grammatical errors cleaned up. Begun in
Fall, 1985; finished in April for the benefit of a friend at
MIT (where it all began), who hadn't seen any versions except
the antique Version 1.
Version 3.5C (400) on 17-Jan-1988: Yale (Pierson College)/mmd (CLARINET@YALEVM)
Grammatical errors corrected. Introduction and history
cleaned up.
Version 4.0 (500) on 23-April-1988: Yale (Silliman College)/dfc, ad, dcg, mlm,
and Dartmouth (Alpha Theta)/alb. Original 400-question version
expanded to 500 questions.
Version 5.0 (1) on 19-June-1989: SUNY College at Oswego and SUNY University at
Buffalo. Ludicrously long 500-question version trimmed to
1 question.
Version 5.01 (1) on 11-September-1989: Final proofread and edit of 1 question
version and preparation for release to the world.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Instructions for Use:
This is a fairly short test consisting of one question (quite time consuming).
There are many ways of going about taking this test. You can, of course, as
your right, guaranteed by the Constitution, be anti-social and sequester
yourself in your room and take this test all by yourself; however, we feel that
the funnest way to utilize this test is to hold a Purity Test Party. All you
need is one copy of the test, and a bunch of friends. (Lots of writing
implements and paper would be useful too.) The person with the copy of the
test is the test administrator; s/he reads the question out loud and
everybody else writes down their answer. We have no definite rules as to
whether the participants are required to divulge their answer; that is up to
the group to decide. However, each person's purity score should be made common
knowledge. (The person with the highest score gets to be giggled at for the
rest of his/her life.) This works great at parties and lets everybody know
who's easy and who isn't, so you'll know who to go home with. Don't leave home
without it.
Definitions
All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened to you
subsequent to your weaning and babyhood/infancy. Anything that may have
happened before that time is considered not standing and void.
The term mutual masturbation refers to someone masturbating you AND/OR you
masturbating someone else, not exclusively both at the same time.
We would also like to define having sex in the homosexual case; homosexual sex
has occurred when both partners are of the same sex and one of the partners has
an orgasm while there is some contact between the genitals of both partners.
We would now like to bring to your attention that there is no passing nor
failing score. Therefore, one really shouldn't worry too much about getting a
high score... even if you do get giggled at for the rest of your life.
--- ALL TECHNICALITIES COUNT ---
(Editor's Note: These rules have been slightly modified, but have maintained
their original flavor, including embarrassing references to
masturbation and giggling.)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Section 1: The Big Question. 1 Question.
For this section, if you are mostly a:
- heterosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to
by the word "someone" or "partner", is to be someone
of the OPPOSITE gender.
- homosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to by the
word "someone" or "partner", is to be someone of
YOUR OWN gender.
- 50-50 confirmed bisexual, then your partner in deed, often
referred to by the word "someone" or "partner", is to
be someone of the OPPOSITE gender.
- asexual, then go take another test; we don't need your dull type
around HERE!
1. Are you pure?
_______________________________________________________________________________
I. Scoring
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a sheet of paper containing
one itty-bitty answer to the Purity Test (Ooooooh!). Sworn to excellence of
workmanship, we now give you directions on how to calculate your Purity score.
There are several methods; the calculator method works best. Also there is the
a la mainframe method. (A DECsystem-2060 works great as a PC.)
Scoring method: Count "yes" answers.
Multiply the result by 100.
The result is your percentage purity.
The higher the number, the more pure you are; in the same vein, the lower the
score, the more of a sleaze-bag you are.
(Kinda cut-and-dry, black-and-white, eh?)
For your reference, we include calculator directions:
For people with real calculators (HP):
<# of YES answers> [ENTER] 100 *
For people with other (dinky) calculators:
<# of YES answers> * 100 =
_______________________________________________________________________________
II. Warranty Information
We hope that you have enjoyed this test. It does not come with a
warranty, nor does it guarantee that it will get you laid or make you somehow
somewhat better in bed or the haystack.
The makers of this test are not responsible for any liabilities or
damages resulting from this test, including but not limited to paternity suits.
Ask your doctor or pharmacist.
Do not open back panel; no user serviceable parts inside.
Propagate (this test) at will, even without the written permission of
the publisher; just DON'T edit or change it. In reproducing this test, the
authors of this test may exercise droit de seigneur over you, your immediate
family, or fiance(e). You may or may not have additional rights which may vary
from state to state (i.e. inebriated, ecstacy).
(Editor's Note: Yeah, right.)
Not recommended for children under twelve. Parental guidance
discouraged and frowned upon. Pencils, additional paper, and batteries not
included. Some assembly may be required. Does not come with any other
figures.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Drive carefully; 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.
The above is a public service announcement of this institution.
EDITOR'S FINAL NOTE: This 'unofficial' version of the purity test was designed
with one thought in mind: that PEOPLE HAVE BETTER THINGS
TO DO THAN SIT AROUND AND ASK ABSURD NAUGHTY QUESTIONS! I
mean, it's one thing to ask "Have you ever done it?" but
it's another thing to ask "Have you ever done it while
piloting an aircraft of over 30,000 pounds unladen net
weight over a foreign country in the late summer while
reading a copy of 'Wuthering Heights' and being almost
(but not quite) totally naked?" and to ask about every
other bloody state in between!! 400 questions was a
daunting task, but 500 questions? EYUUGH! Not to mention
that after plowing through the 500-question test one
time, almost every person we've talked to has had their
Purity score go up! So we've taken it upon ourselves to
alleviate the burden of taking a long-winded, inaccurate
examination by reducing it to a quick quiz of personal
beliefs; if YOU think you've done enough to be impure,
GO FOR IT! Far be it for US to tell you how pure you
are! It's all up to you. And isn't that what it's all
about, anyway?
************> Brought to you by: Patrick G. Salsbury, Super Genius <***********
************> Joseph V. Prisco, aka Pope Zaphod I of the 80 columns <***********
************> and your local True Value Hardware dealer... <***********
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