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Archive-name: Miscell/pure-001.501


Archive-title: Purity Test -   1 Question


                             THE UNISEX, OMNISEXUAL

                             P U R I T Y    T E S T


                                Version 5.01 (1)

                                 Final Release



 Public domain; no copyright.  All rights wronged, all wrongs reversed.  Up with

 going down.  The risen flesh commands:  let there be love.  Murphy's law on

 sex:  Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.  Chaste makes

 waste.  Virginity can be cured.


 This document was not sponsored by the Department of Defense Advanced Research

 Projects Agency, and was not monitored by the Air Force Avionics Laboratory.

 The views and conclusions contained in this document should not be interpreted

 as representing the official policies, either expressed or implied, of the

 Defense Advanced Projects Agency or the US Government.  Neither should it be

 interpreted nor inferred that the authors/contributors have actually performed

 any of the actions contained herein.



 Disclaimer of Liability


 The user of this test acknowledges that sex is a hazardous sport; that a person

 must copulate in control, and use good judgement at all times; that partners'

 conditions vary constantly and are greatly affected by weather changes and

 previous use; and that dirty sheets, variations in terrain and bed surfaces,

 spouses/pimps/managers, forest growth, rocks and debris, clothed obstacles, and

 many other natural and man-made obstacles and hazards, including other users

 and customers, exist throughout the bedroom area.  Personal managers

 (pimps/spouses) and sado-masochistic operations and equipment are constantly in

 use and may be hazardous to those not copulating in control.  Impotence,

 collisions, and social diseases resulting in injury can happen at any time,

 even to those copulating in control with proper sexual equipment.  Inherent

 risks are part of the sport and may exist within your partner.  As a condition

 of being permitted to use the facilities of your partner, the user of this test

 agrees to copulate in control and within the limits of his/her ability, and

 further acknowledges and accepts these hazards, dangers, and risks and assumes

 the risk of injury or loss to person or damage to property which might result

 from use of the partner's facilities.


 As a further condition of being permitted to use the facilities of your

 partner, the customer understands and agrees that:  (1) in the event of a

 transfer of use by another or anything else in the management's opinion is

 misconduct, misuse, kinky, impotence, or nuisance, this service may be revoked

 s/he must be presented to any authorized representative of the pimp/spouse; (3)

 sexual equipment must be visibly displayed at all times when you are in any

 bedroom and when approaching the bed to copulate.  Your sexual partner is not

 transferable; see Theft of Services, V.S.A., sections 2581 and 2582.


 Purity Test Genesis/History:


 Version 1 (100) Created at MIT's Baker House.  Two parallel versions; one for

                 male, and one for female.  Not much is known about this

                 version.  It was ported to CMU by ps in 1982.

 Version 2 (247) Spring 1983 - CMU/jb, pd, kr, ps, ts, mt, et al.

                 Expanded to 247 questions.  This marked the beginning of

                 the unisex versions. The story goes that they intended it to be

                 250 questions, but got tired that night and said  "we'll  think

                 of three more tomorrow", and tomorrow never got there.

 Version 3.3C.1 (400) on 05-Dec-1984

                 First  formal  release  general of this test, version 3.xx. All

                 former versions were short-lived and tended to be bug-ridden.

                 Does not discriminate against gays or bi's. Good correspondence

                 of  scores (especially in the higher score ranges) between this

                 version and version 2. Added Genesis/History section.

 Version 3.4 (400) on 29-Jan-1985

                 Internal version;  never  released.  Source  code  accidentally

                 destroyed,  much  to  the  consternation of one of the authors.

                 Cleaned up many bugs. Added sections: Disclaimer of  Liability,

                 Instructions for Use, Scoring, and Warranty Information.

 Version 3.5 (400) on 10-Apr-1985

                 Rebuilt from the 3.3C.1 source and the 3.4 (only surviving

                 copy) Xerox X9700 laser printer hardcopy.  Cleaned up same bugs

                 in 3.4; wiped out a duplicate question.  Added in verbose

                 history section.

 Version 3.5A (400) on 13-Apr-1985:  CMU/da, fa, tc, no, dt, sv, rz, et al

                 Found  that  we  had  431  questions  instead  of 400.

 Version 3.5B (400) on 18-Mar-1986: Yale (Pierson College)/ as

                 Intermediate release, with footnotes integrated into main body

                 of text and some grammatical errors cleaned up.  Begun in

                 Fall, 1985; finished in April for the benefit of a friend at

                 MIT (where it all began), who hadn't seen any versions except

                 the antique Version 1.

 Version 3.5C (400) on 17-Jan-1988: Yale (Pierson College)/mmd (CLARINET@YALEVM)

                 Grammatical errors corrected.  Introduction and history

                 cleaned up.

 Version 4.0 (500) on 23-April-1988: Yale (Silliman College)/dfc, ad, dcg, mlm,

                 and Dartmouth (Alpha Theta)/alb.  Original 400-question version

                 expanded to 500 questions.

 Version 5.0 (1) on 19-June-1989: SUNY College at Oswego and SUNY University at

                 Buffalo. Ludicrously long 500-question version trimmed to

                 1 question.

 Version 5.01 (1) on 11-September-1989: Final proofread and edit of 1 question 

		 version and preparation for release to the world.


 Instructions for Use:


 This is a fairly short test consisting of one question (quite time consuming).

 There are many ways of going about taking this test.  You can, of course, as

 your right, guaranteed by the Constitution, be anti-social and sequester

 yourself in your room and take this test all by yourself; however, we feel that

 the funnest way to utilize this test is to hold a Purity Test Party.  All you

 need is one copy of the test, and a bunch of friends.  (Lots of writing

 implements and paper would be useful too.)  The person with the copy of the

 test is the test administrator; s/he reads the question out loud and

 everybody else writes down their answer.  We have no definite rules as to

 whether the participants are required to divulge their answer; that is up to

 the group to decide.  However, each person's purity score should be made common

 knowledge.  (The person with the highest score gets to be giggled at for the

 rest of his/her life.)  This works great at parties and lets everybody know

 who's easy and who isn't, so you'll know who to go home with.  Don't leave home

 without it.




 All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened to you

 subsequent to your weaning and babyhood/infancy.  Anything that may have

 happened before that time is considered not standing and void.


 The term mutual masturbation refers to someone masturbating you AND/OR you

 masturbating someone else, not exclusively both at the same time.


 We would also like to define having sex in the homosexual case; homosexual sex

 has occurred when both partners are of the same sex and one of the partners has

 an orgasm while there is some contact between the genitals of both partners.


 We would now like to bring to your attention that there is no passing nor

 failing score.  Therefore, one really shouldn't worry too much about getting a

 high score...  even if you do get giggled at for the rest of your life.

                        --- ALL TECHNICALITIES COUNT ---

(Editor's Note: These rules have been slightly modified, but have maintained

                their original flavor, including embarrassing references to

                masturbation and giggling.)


 Section 1:  The Big Question.  1 Question.

 For this section, if you are mostly a:

          - heterosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to

                          by the word "someone" or "partner", is to be someone

                          of the OPPOSITE gender.

          - homosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to by the

                          word "someone" or "partner", is to be someone of

                          YOUR OWN gender.

          - 50-50 confirmed bisexual, then your partner in deed, often

                          referred to by the word "someone" or "partner", is to

                          be someone of the OPPOSITE gender.

          - asexual, then go take another test; we don't need your dull type

                          around HERE!


    1. Are you pure?


 I. Scoring

 Congratulations!  You are now the proud owner of a sheet of paper containing

 one itty-bitty answer to the Purity Test (Ooooooh!).  Sworn to excellence of

 workmanship, we now give you directions on how to calculate your Purity score.

 There are several methods; the calculator method works best.  Also there is the

 a la mainframe method.  (A DECsystem-2060 works great as a PC.)


 Scoring method:  Count "yes" answers.

                  Multiply the result by 100.

                  The result is your percentage purity.


 The higher the number, the more pure you are; in the same vein, the lower the

 score, the more of a sleaze-bag you are.

 (Kinda cut-and-dry, black-and-white, eh?)


 For your reference, we include calculator directions:

      For people with real calculators (HP):

                <# of YES answers> [ENTER] 100 *

      For people with other (dinky) calculators:

                <# of YES answers> * 100 =


 II. Warranty Information

	 We  hope that you have enjoyed this test. It does not come with a

warranty, nor  does it guarantee that it will get you laid or make you somehow

somewhat better  in bed or the haystack. 

	 The makers of this test are not responsible  for  any  liabilities  or 

damages  resulting from this test, including but not limited to paternity suits.

	 Ask  your doctor or pharmacist. 

	 Do not open back panel; no user serviceable parts inside.

	 Propagate (this test) at will, even without the written permission of

the  publisher; just DON'T edit or change it.  In reproducing this test, the

authors  of this test may exercise droit de seigneur over you, your immediate

family, or  fiance(e).  You may or may not have additional rights which may vary

from state  to state (i.e. inebriated, ecstacy). 

	 (Editor's Note: Yeah, right.)

	 Not recommended for children under twelve.  Parental guidance

discouraged and  frowned upon.  Pencils, additional paper, and  batteries not

included.  Some  assembly may be required.  Does not come with any other



 Drive carefully; 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.


 The above is a public service announcement of this institution.

EDITOR'S FINAL NOTE: This 'unofficial' version of the purity test was designed

                     with one thought in mind: that PEOPLE HAVE BETTER THINGS


                     mean, it's one thing to ask "Have you ever done it?" but

                     it's another thing to ask "Have you ever done it while

                     piloting an aircraft of over 30,000 pounds unladen net

                     weight over a foreign country in the late summer while

                     reading a copy of 'Wuthering Heights' and being almost

                     (but not quite) totally naked?" and to ask about every

                     other bloody state in between!! 400 questions was a

                     daunting task, but 500 questions? EYUUGH! Not to mention

                     that after plowing through the 500-question test one

                     time, almost every person we've talked to has had their

                     Purity score go up! So we've taken it upon ourselves to

                     alleviate the burden of taking a long-winded, inaccurate

                     examination by reducing it to a quick quiz of personal

                     beliefs; if YOU think you've done enough to be impure,

                     GO FOR IT! Far be it for US to tell you how pure you

                     are! It's all up to you. And isn't that what it's all

                     about, anyway?

************> Brought to you by:  Patrick G. Salsbury, Super Genius <***********


************> Joseph V. Prisco, aka Pope Zaphod I of the 80 columns <***********


************> and your local True Value Hardware dealer...          <***********


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