Archive-name: Poetry/dilime.txt
Archive-author:
Archive-title: 660+ Limericks!
1 There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
The miller's sun, Jack,
Laid her flat on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.
2 There was a young lady of Arden,
The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
Said she with a frown,
"I've been sadly let down
By the tool of a fool in a garden."
3 There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
But he lurked in the ditches
And diddled the bitches
Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
4 There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
But now--it's appallin'--
My balls always fall in!
I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
5 There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
6 I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude--
I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
7 There was a young lady of Bicester
Who was nicer by far than her sister:
The sister would giggle
And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.
8 There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
Yet the girls he would dazzle,
And fuck to a frazzle,
And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
9 There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
She was ugly and smelly,
With an awful pot-belly,
But... well, they were caught in the rain.
10 There was a young sailor form Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one.
11 A lacklustre lady of Brougham
Weaveth all night at her loom.
Anon she doth blench
When her lord and his wench
Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
12 A middle-aged codger named Bruin
Found his love life completely a-ruin,
For he flirted with flirts
Wearing pants and no skirts,
And he never got in for no screwin'.
13 There was a young fellow of Burma
Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
But now that he's married he's
Been using cantharides
And the root of their love is much firmer.
14 There was a young fellow from Cal.,
In bed with a passionate gal.
He leapt from the bed,
To the toilet he sped;
Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
15 There was a young man from Calcutta
Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
"If her Bartholin glands
Don't respond to my hands,
I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
16 There once was a kiddie named Carr
Caught a man on top of his mar.
As he saw him stick 'er,
He said with a snicker,
"You do it much faster than par."
17 There was a young fellow named Charteris
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
Said she, "I don't mind,
And higher up you'll find
The place where my fucker and farter is."
18 A young woman got married at Chester,
Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
Says she, "You're in luck,
He's a stunning good fuck,
For I've had him myself down in Leicester.
19 "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
You have made much fine verse on
Each part of my person,
Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
20 A maiden who wrote of big cities
Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
Sold her stuff at the shop
Of a musical wop
Who played with her soft little titties.
21 There once was a gouty old colonel
Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
And he cried in his tiffin
For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
And the size of the thing was infernal.
22 A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too."
23 There was a young lady of Dee
Who went down to the river to pee.
A man in a punt
Put his hand on her cunt,
And God! how I wish it were me.
24 I never had Miss Defauw,
But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
If she'd only said "No"
When I wanted her so;
But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
25 A beautiful bell of Del Norte
Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
Because during the day
She says: "Boys, keep away!"
But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
26 A young man by a girl was desired
To give her the thrills she required,
But he died of old age
Ere his cock could assuage
The volcanic desire it inspired.
27 There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry, when you came,
"Oh dear! What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."
28 There was a young man of Dumfries
Who said to his girl, "If you please,
It would give me great bliss
If, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!"
29 There was a young lady of Ealing
And her lover before her was kneeling.
Said she, "Dearest Jim,
Take your hands off my quim;
I much prefer fucking to feeling."
30 A lonely young lad of Eaton
Used always to sleep with the heat on,
Till he ran into a lass
Who showed him her ass --
Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
31 There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty, that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
32 There was a young lady of fashion
Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
To her lover she said,
As they climbed into bed,
"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
33 There was a young girl in Dakota
Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
"In addition to gas
We are rationing ass,
And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
34 There was a young lady named Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin,
But when she was tight
It seemed quite all right,
So everyone filled her with gin.
35 A reckless young lady of France
Had no qualms about taking a chance,
But she thought it was crude
To get screwed in the nude,
So she always went home with damp pants.
36 A nervous young fellow named Fred
Took a charming young widow to bed.
When he'd diddled a while
She remarked with a smile,
"You've got it all in but the head."
37 There was a young fellow named Fyfe
Whose marriage was ruined for life,
For he had an aversion
To every perversion
And only liked fucking his wife.
Well, one year the poor woman struck,
And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
And said, "Where have you gotten us
With your goddamn monotonous
Fuck after fuck after fuck?
"I once knew a harlot named Lou --
And a versatile girl she was, too.
After ten years of whoredom
She perished of boredom
When she married a jackass like you!"
40 There was a young lady of Gloucester,
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
She wasn't much hurt,
But he dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish it cost her.
41 There was a young lady of Gloucester
Whose friends they thought they had lost her
Till they found on the grass
The marks of her arse,
And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
42 There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood
The question's not woody but could he?
43 In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
Was the first time I ever laid down,
I was both proud and shy
As he opened his fly
And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
As it went in I made not a sound,
The more that he shoved it
The more that I loved it,
As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
45 In my sweet little night gown of blue,
On the first night that I slept with you,
I was both shy and scared
As the bed was prepared,
And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
As we both watched the break of day,
And in peaceful submission I lay,
You said you adored it
But dammit, you tore it,
My sweet little night gown of blue.
47 Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and slouch.
You can't take your women
Canoein' or swimmin',
But a lot can be done on a couch.
48 It always delights me at Hank's
To walk up the old river banks.
One time in the grass
I stepped on an ass,
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
49 There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Who said, "You are utterly wrong
To say my vagina
's the largest in China
Just because of your mean little dong."
50 There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
What they do to my wife --
Why it ruins my life;
And the worst is they all do it well."
51 There was a young man named Hughes
Who swore off all kinds of booze.
He said, "When I'm muddled
My senses get fuddled,
And I pass up too many screws."
52 There were three ladies of Huxham,
And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
And when that game grows stale
We sits on a rail,
And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
53 There was a young lady named Inge
Who went on a binge with a dinge.
Now I won't breathe a word
O f what really occured --
But her cunt has a chocolate fringe.
54 An octagenerian Jew
To his wife remained steadfastly true.
This was not from compunction,
But due to dysfunction
Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
55 "Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
"Come on, take it out, and let's play."
He pulled it on out,
But she started to pout,
His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
56 A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
57 There was an old lady who lay
With her legs wide apart in the hay,
Then, calling the ploughman,
She said, "Do it now, man!
Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
58 There was a young lady of Lee
Who scrambled up into a tree,
When she got there
Her arsehole was bare,
And so was her K U N T.
59 A worn-out young husband named Lehr
Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
"Slip on a sheath, quick,
Then slip your big dick
Between these lips covered with hair."
60 There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, "Stop the plumbing,
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
61 Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
Dit-elle, "Arretez!
J'entends quelqu'un venait."
Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
62 Es gibt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
Ich hore Mann kommen."
"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
63 Prope mare erat tubulator
Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
Dessine ingressus
Audivi progressus:
Est mihi inquit tubulator.
64 Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
Some people say,
Love finds a way,
But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
65 In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
His wife said, "Oh, stuff
That philosophy guff
Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
66 There was a young lady named Maud
A terrible society fraud:
In company, I'm told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh God!
67 There was a young lady named May
Who strolled in a park by the way,
And she met a youg man
Who fucked her and ran --
Now she goes to the park every day.
68 There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
Discovered his sex life was hapless:
The more he would screw
The more he'd want to,
And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
69 There was a young dolly named Molly
Who thought that to frig was a folly.
Said she, "Your pee-pee
Means nothing to me,
But I'll do it just to be jolly."
70 Of his face she thought not very much,
But then, at the very first touch,
Her attitude shifted --
He was terribly gifted
At frigging and fucking and such.
71 The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
And cried, "Oh, my dear,
I am coming, I fear,
But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
72 There was a young lad from Nahant
Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
When asked, "Do you fuck?"
He replied, "No such luck.
I would if I could but I can't."
73 There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow and I shall."
74 There was a young man of Natal
And Sue was the name of his gal.
One day, north of Aden,
He got his hard rod in,
And came clear up Suez Canal.
75 There was a gay dog from Ontario
Who fancied himself a Lothario.
At a wench's glance
He'd snatch off his pants
And make for her Mons Venerio.
76 There was a young man of Ostend
Who let a girl play with his end.
She took hold of Rover,
And felt it all over,
And it did what she didn't intend.
77 There was a young man of Ostend
Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
"It's no use, my duck,
Interrupting our fuck,
For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
78 There was a young fellow from Parma
Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
Said the damsel, demure,
"You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
79 A newly-wed man of Peru
Found himself in a terrible stew:
His wife was in bed
Much deader than dead,
And so he had no one to screw.
80 There was a young girl of Pitlochry
Who was had by a man in a rockery.
Sh said, "Oh! You've come
All over my bum;
This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
81 There was a young lady from Prentice
Who had an affair with a dentist.
To make things easier
He used anesthesia,
And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
82 There was a young man with a prick
Which into his wife he would stick
Every morning and night
If it stood up all right --
Not a very remarkable trick.
His wife had a nice little cunt:
It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
And with this she would fuck him,
Though sometimes she'd suck him --
A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
84 There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn't the knack,
And he got too far back --
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
85 A young lady sat on a quay,
Just as propper as propper could be.
A young fellow goosed her,
And roughly seduced her,
So she thanked him and went home to tea.
86 I once was annoyed by a queer
Who made his intentions quite clear.
Said I, "I'm no prude,
So don't think me rude,
But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
87 A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
Preferred frigging to going to mass.
Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
Or any young cock,
For I cannot live up to your ass."
88 The King named Oedipus Rex
Who started this fuss about sex
Put the world to great pains
By the spots and the stains
Which he made on his mother's pubex.
89 Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
Who said with a wink and a smile,
"Sure, please stick it in,
Be it thick be it thin,
But if's rough I won't do as a file."
90 There was a young lady of Rhyll
In an omnibus was taken ill,
So she called the conductor,
Who got in and fucked her,
Which did more good than a pill.
91 There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer.
Said he with a grin,
"Well, I've sure got it in!"
Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
92 A young violinist from Rio
Was seducing a lady named Cleo.
As she took down her panties
She said, "No andantes;
I want this allegro con brio!"
93 A young Juliet of St. Louis
On a balcony stood acting screwy.
Her Romeo climbed,
But he wasn't well timed,
And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
94 Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
"You must sieze it, and squeeze it,
And tease it, and please it,
For Rome wasn't built in a day."
95 There was a young man from Siam
Who said, "I go in with a wham,
But I soon lose my starch
Like the mad month of March,
And the lion comes out like a lamb."
96 Prince Absalom lay with his sister
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
But the kid was so tight,
And it was deep night --
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
97 There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine;
At twenty to ten it was in her.
The dinner, not Skinner --
Skinner was in her before dinner.
There was a young fellow named Tupper
Who took a young lady to supper.
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine,
And at twenty to ten it was up her.
Not the supper -- not Tupper --
It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
99 "My back aches. My penis is sore.
I simply can't fuck any more.
I'm dripping with sweat,
And you haven't come yet;
And, my God! it's a quarter to four!"
100 There was a young lady of Spain
Who took down her pants on a train.
There was ayoung porter
Saw more than he orter,
And asked her to do it again.
101 There was a young man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation
Making love in a ditch
To -- I won't say a bitch --
But a woman of no reputation.
102 There once was a dentist named Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my, how his practice has grown!
103 A sailor who slept in the sun
Woke to find his fly buttons undone.
He remarked with a smile,
"Jesus Christ, a sundial!
And it's now a quarter past one."
104 A plumber whose name was Ten Brink
Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
Her resistance was stout,
And Ten Bring petered out
With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
105 The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame --
A discharge is a wondeful thing.
106 I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
I wonder can she tell
That I've been raising hell;
Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
My wife is just as nice as can be,
I hope she doesn't feel to nice toward me,
For an afternoon of joy
Is hell on the old boy.
I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
108 There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
Exceedingly hard to get onto,
But when you get there,
And have parted the hair,
You can fuck her as much as you want to.
109 Une joile epousetta a Tours
Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
Mais le mari disait, "Non!
De trop n'est pas bon!
Mon derriere exige du secours!"
110 A pretty wife living in Tours
Demanded her daily amour.
But the husband said, "No!
It's to much. Let it go!
My backsides are dragging the floor."
111 In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.
I asked as I tickled her tit
If she thought that my big thing would fit.
She said it would do
So we had a good screw
In the shade of the old apple tree.
In the shade of the old apple tree
I got all that was coming to me.
In the soft dewy grass
I had a fine piece of ass
From a maiden that was fine to see.
I could hear the dull buzz of the bee
As he sunk his grub hooks into me.
Her ass it was fine
But you should have seen mine
In the shade of the old apple tree.
115 A lad from far-off Transvaal
Was lustful, but tactful withal.
He'd say, just for luck,
"Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
116 There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
On her knees every day
To god she would pray
To lengthen and stregthen and thicken 'em.
117 There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
For it tickled her bum
And caused her to come
.siht gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
118 There once was a husky young Viking
Whose sexual prowess was striking.
Every time he got hot
He would scour the twat
Of some girl that might be to his liking.
119 At the moment Japan declared war
A sailor was fucking a whore.
He said, "After this poke
`Long and hard' ain't no joke;
This means months till I get back ashore."
120 There was a young lady of Wheeling
Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
My little brown jug
Has need of a plug" --
And straightaway she started to peeling.
121 Two anglers were fishing off Wight
And his bobber was dipping all night.
Murmured she, with a laugh,
"It's ready to gaff,
But don't break your rod which is light."
A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
And said, "Bother the fish!
I'd rather coish!"
Which they did -- which was why they had come.
As two consular clerks in Madras
Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
"What a marvelous pole,"
Said she, "but control
Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
124 Love letters no longer they write us,
To their homes they so seldom invite us.
It grieves me to say,
They have learned with dismay,
We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
125 There was a young student from Yale
Who was getting his first piece of tail.
He shoved in his pole,
But in the wrong hole,
And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
126 In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
127 There was a young bride of Antigua
Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
Why, you've only felt my twot,
My legs and my arse and my figua!"
128 There was a young damsel named Baker
Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
He yelled, "My God! what
Do you call this -- a twat?
Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
129 There was once a mechanic named Bench
Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
With this vibrant device
He could reach, in a trice,
The innermost parts of a wench.
130 There was a young man of Bengal
Who swore he had only one ball,
But two little bitches
Unbuttoned his britches,
And found he had no balls at all.
131 A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
Had a pussy as large as a muff.
It had room for both hands
And some intimate glands,
And was soft as a little ducks's fluff.
132 There was a young lady named Blount
Who had a rectangular cunt.
She learned for diversion
Posterior perversion,
Since no one could fit here in front.
133 There was a young fellow named Bowen
Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
It grew so tremendous,
So long and so pendulous,
'Twas no godd for fuckin' -- just showin'.
134 There was a young lady named Brent
With a cunt of enormous extent,
And so deep and so wide,
The acoustics inside
Were so good you could hear when you spent.
135 There was a young girl from the Bronix
Who had a vagina of onyx.
She had so much `tsoris'
With her clitoris,
She traded it in for a Packard.
136 There was a young lady from Brussels
Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
She could easily plex them
And so interflex them
As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
137 There was a young lady of Bude
Who walked down the street in the nude.
A bobby said, "Whattum
Magnificent bottom!"
And slapped it as hard as he could.
138 There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
139 There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
Had a very capricious vagina:
To the shock of the fucker
"Twould suddenly pucker,
And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
140 A lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
When they asked her its size
She replied in surprise,
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
141 There was a fat lady of China
Who'd a really enormous vagina,
And when she was dead
They painted it red,
And used it for docking a liner.
142 I met a young man in Chungking
Who had a very long thing --
But you'll guess my surprise
When I found that its size
Just measured a third-finger ring!
143 There was a young man of Coblenz
Whose ballocks were simply immense:
It took forty-four draymen,
A priest and three laymen
To carry them thither and thence.
144 There was an old man of Connaught
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
145 There once was a girl from Cornell
Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
When you touched them they shrunk,
Except when she was drunk,
And then they got bigger than hell.
146 There once was a lady of Crete
So enormously broad in the beam
That one day in the ocean
She caused such commotion
That Admiral Byrd claimed her for America.
147 There was a young fellow named Cribbs
Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
They were inches apart,
And to suck it took art,
While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
148 There was a young lady whose cunt
Could accomodate a small punt.
Her mother said, "Annie,
It matches your fanny,
Which never was that of a runt."
149 There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
When one pireg is shot,
There's that alternate twat,
But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
150 There was a young man from Dallas
Who had an exceptional phallus.
He couldn't find room
In any girl's womb
Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
151 There was a young girl of Des Moines
Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
Till a guy from Hoboken
Went and dropped in a token,
And now she rides free on the ferry.
152 To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has the east tit the least bit
The best of the west tit,
Or is it the faulty perspective?"
153 There was a young girl of Detroit
Who at fucking was very adroit:
She could squeeze her vagina
To a pin-point, or finer,
Or open it out like a quoit.
And she had a friend named Durand
Whose cock could contract or expand.
He could diddle a midge
Or the arch of a bridge --
Their performance together was grand!
155 There was a young man of Devizes
Whose balls were of different sizes.
His tool when at ease,
Hung down to his knees,
Oh, what must it be when it rises!
156 Visas erat: huic geminarum
Dispar modus testicularum:
Minor haec nihili,
Palma triplici,
Jam fecerat altera clarum.
157 There was a young fellow whose dong
Was prodigiously massive and long.
On each side of his whang
Two testes did hang
That attracted a curious throng.
158 There was a young man from East Wubley
Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
Each quadruplicate shaft
Had two balls hanging aft,
And the general effect was quite lovely.
159 While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
She explained, "They are flat,
But think nothing of that --
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
160 There was a young fellow from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
When they got into bed
He cried, "God strike me dead!
This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
161 An old man at the Folies Bergere
Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
It snipped off a twat-curl
From each new chorus girl,
And he had a wig made of the hair.
162 There was a young man with one foot
Who had a very long root.
If he used this peg
As an extra leg
Is a question exceedingly moot.
163 In the case of a lady named Frost,
Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
It's the best part of valor
To bugger the gal, or
You're apt to fall in and get lost.
164 A certain young person of Ghent,
Uncertain if lady or gent,
Shows his organs at large
For a small handling charge
To assist him in paying the rent.
165 There was an old woman of Ghent
Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
She got fucked so often
At last she got rotten,
And didn't she stink when she spent.
166 There was a young man from Glengozzle
Who found a remarkable fossil.
He knew by the bend
And the wart on the end,
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
167 There was a young fellow of Greenwich
Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
He had such a tool
It was wound on a spool,
And he reeled it out inich by inich.
But this tale has an unhappy finich,
For due to the sand in the spinach
His ballocks grew rough
And wrecked his wife's muff,
And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
169 A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexhedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Was four fifths of five eighths of fuck-all.
170 There was a young fellow of Harrow
Whose john was the size of a marrow.
He said to his tart,
"How's this for a start?
My balls are outside in a barrow."
171 There was a young fellow named Harry,
Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
He pressed it on a virgin
Who, without any urgin',
Immeadiately spread like a fairy.
172 There was a young girl named Heather
Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
She made a queer noise,
Which attracted the boys,
By flapping the edges together.
173 There was an old curate of Hestion
Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.
But so small was his tool
He could scarce screw a spool,
And a cunt was quite out of the question.
174 There was a young man from Hong Kong
Who had a trifurcated prong:
A small one for sucking,
A large one for fucking,
And a `boney' for beating a gong.
175 A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out,
Like a glove, and be used a s a cunt.
176 Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
When he parted her thighs;
"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."
177 A highly aesthetic young Jew
Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
The end of his dillie
Was shaped like a lilly,
And his balls were too utterly two!
178 There once was a lady from Kansas
Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
It was nine inches deep
And the sides were quite steep --
It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
179 Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
The poor wench doth stammer,
"I need a sledgehammer
To pound a man into my vent."
180 There was an old gent from Kentuck
Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
But he put it away
For fear that one day
He might put it in and get stuck.
181 There was an old lady of Kewry
Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
The `introitus vaginae',
Was unnaturally tiny,
And the thought of it filled her with fury.
182 There was a young fellow named Kimble
Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
But fragile and slender,
And dainty and tender,
So he kept it encased in a thimble.
183 There was a young man of Lahore
Whose prick was one inch and no more.
It was all right for key-holes
And little girl's pee-holes,
But not worth a damn with a whore.
184 There once was a horse named Lily
Whose dingus was really a dilly.
It was vaginoid duply,
And labial quadruply --
In fact, he was really a filly.
185 There was a young fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were all covered with weeds.
186 The wife of young Richard of Limerick
Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
Still grows in diameter
Each time that you ram at her;
How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
187 There was a young lady of Lincoln
Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
So she had a prick lent her
Which turned it magenta,
This artful old lady of Lincoln.
188 There was a young girl of LLewellyn
Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
They were big it is true,
But here cunt was big too,
Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
189 A contortionist hailing from Lynch
Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
A foot cost a quid --
He could and he did
Stretch it to three in a pinch.
190 There was a young man from Lynn
Whose cock was the size of a pin.
Said his girl with a laugh
As she felt his staff,
"This won't be much of a sin."
191 There was a young girl named McCall
Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
But the size of her anus
Was something quite heinous --
It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
192 There was an old satyr named Mack
Whose prick had a left handed tack.
If the ladies he loves
Don't spin when he shoves,
Their cervixes frequently crack.
193 An envious girl named McMeanus
Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
It was small consolation
That the rest of the nation
Of women were with her in weeness.
194 There was a young man named McNamiter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
But it wasn't the size
Gave the girls a surprise,
But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.
195 There was a young man of Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass.
When jangled together
They played "Stormy Weather,"
And lightning shot out of his ass.
196 A bad little girl in Madrid,
A most reprehensible kid,
Told her Tante Louise
That her cunt smelled like cheese,
And the worst of it was that it did!
197 There was ayoung man from Maine
Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
It was almost as long,
So he strolled with his dong
Extended in sunshine and rain.
198 There was a young girl from Medina
Who could completely control her vagina.
She could twist it around
Like the cunts that are found
In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
199 There was a young fellow named Morgan
Who possessed an unusual organ:
The end of his dong,
Which was nine inches long,
Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
200 There was a young soldier from Munich
Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
And their chops girls would lick
When they thought of his prick,
But alas! he was only a eunuch.
201 There was a young lady of Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
And she often said, "Shit!
Why, I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches."
There was a young fellow named Locke
Who was born with a two-headed cock.
When he'd fondle the thing
It would rise up and sing
An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
But whether these two ever met
Has not been recorded as yet,
Still, it would be diverting
To see him inserting
His whang while it sang a duet.
204 A girl of uncertain nativity
Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
While she sat on the lap
Of a German or Jap,
She could sense Fifth Column activity.
205 There was a gay parson of Norton
Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
To make up for this loss,
He had balls like a horse,
And never spent less than a quartern.
206 A farmer I know named O'Doole
Had a long and incredible tool.
He can use it to plow,
Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
207 A chap down in Oklahoma
Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
But the sweetness of pitch
Couldn't put off the hitch
Of impotence, size and aroma.
208 There was a young girl named O"Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
She got roars of applause
When she kicked off her drawers,
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
209 There was a young maiden from Osset
Whose quim was nine inches across it.
Said a young man named Tong,
With tool nine inches long,
"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
210 "The testes are cooler outside,"
Said the doc to the curious bride,
"For the semen must no
Get too fucking hot,
And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
211 There was a young fellow named Paul
Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
But the size of my prick
Is God's dirtiest trick,
For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
212 There was a young girl of Pawtucket
Whose box was as big as a bucket.
Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
I'll have to wear boots,
For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
213 When I was a baby, my penis
Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
But now 'this as red
As her nipples instead--
All because of the feminie genus!
214 Two roosters in one of our pens
Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
As they looked at their foreskins
And wished they had more skins,
They discovered they'd both become hens.
215 There was a young fellow of Perth
Whose balls were the finest on earth.
They grew to such size
That one won a prize,
And goodness knows what they were worth.
216 To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
She replied, "Why, you fool,
With your limp little tool
It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
217 A very odd pair are the Pitts:
His balls are as large as here tits,
Her tits are as large
As an invasion barge--
Neither knows how the other cohabits.
218 A young man from the banks of the Po
Found his cock had elongated so,
That when he'd pee
It was not he
But only his neighbors who'd know.
219 There was a young fellow named Prynne
Whose prick was so short and so thin,
His wife found she needed
A Fuckoscope--she did--
To see if he'd gotten in.
220 A beautiful lady named Psyche
Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
One thing about Ike
The lady can't like
Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
221 There was a fat man from Rangoon
Whose prick was much like a ballon.
He tried hard to ride her
And when finally inside her
She thought she was pregnant too soon.
222 There was a young fellow called Rex
With diminutive organs of sex.
When charged with exposure
He said with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex!"
223 There was a young lady named Riddle
Who had an untouchable middle.
She had many friends
Because of her ends,
Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
224 There was a young man from Salinas
Who had an extremely long penis:
Believe it or not,
When he lay on his cot
It reached from Marin to Martinez.
225 There was a young harlot named Schwartz
Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
And they tickled so nice
She drew a high price
From the studs at the summer resorts.
Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
Was seldom hard up for a didle,
For according to rumor
His tool had a tumor
And a fine row of warts down the middle.
Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
Could rotate his pecker, and then
He would shoot through his rear
Which made him dear
Of the girls, and the envy of men.
Her other young brother, named Saul,
Was able to bounce either ball,
He could stretch them and snap them,
And juggle and clap them,
Which earned him the plaudits of all.
229 The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
That when posed on her toes
She elaborately shows
Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
230 A cowhand way out in Seattle
Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle .
He said, "No, I can't fuck
A lamb or a duck,
But golly! it just fits the cattle."
231 There was a young man from Seattle
Whose testicles tended to rattle.
He said as he fucked
Some stones in a bucket,
"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
232 There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
But her cunt's got a pucker
That's best not to fuck, or
When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
233 There was an old fellow named Skinner
Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
But still, by and large,
It would always discharge
Once he could just get it in her.
234 An ingenious young man in South Bend
Made a synthetic arse for a friend,
But the friend shortly found
Its construction unsound,
It was simply a bother -- no end.
235 An aesthete from South Carolina
Had a cock that tickled like China,
But while shooting his load
It cracked like old Spode,
So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
236 There was a young blade from South Greece
Whose bush did so greatly increase
That before he could shack
He must hunt needle in stack.
'Twas as bad as being obese.
237 There was a young lady from Spain
Whose face was exceedingly plain,
But her cunt had a pucker
That made the men fuck her,
Again, and again, and again.
238 Il y avait une madame de Lahore
Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
Mais la vagine tres forte,
Toujours ouverte la porte,
Encore, et encore, et encore.
239 De Hispanice puella verumque
Simplex oris verborumque
Tulit potens vagina
Hominum agmina
Iterum iterum iterumque.
240 There once was a girl from Spokane
Went to bed with a one-legged man.
She said, "I know you --
You've really got two!
Why didn't you say so when we began?"
241 There was a young man from Stamboul
Who boasted so torrid a tool
That each female crater
Explored by this satyr
Seemed almost unpleasanlty cool.
242 There was a young fellow of Strensall
Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
On the night of his wedding
It went through the bedding,
And shattered the chamber utensil.
So here was this fellow of Strensall
Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
Anemic, 'tis true,
But an interesting screw,
Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
244 A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
Renowned for the length of their peenies.
The hair on their balls
Sweeps the floors of their halls,
But they don't look at women, the meanies.
245 There was an old man of Tagore
Whose tool was a yard long or more,
So he wore the damn thing
In a surgical sling
To keep it from wiping the floor.
246 There was a young lady whose thighs,
When spread showed a slit of such size,
And so deep and so wide,
You could play cards inside --
Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
247 There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
The knob out in front
Attracted foul cunt
Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
248 There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
It's deep and it's wide,
-- You can curl up inside
With a nice easy chair and a book.
249 There was a gay parson of Tooting
Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
Till he married a lass
With a face like my arse,
And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
250 There was a young man of Toulouse
Who had a deficient prepuce,
But the foreskin he lacked
He made up in his sac;
The result was, his balls were too loose.
251 A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
Had a hole as big as a basket.
A spot, as a bride,
In it now, you could hide,
And include with your luggage your mascot.
252 A young man maintained that his trigger
Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
But this long and thick pud
Was so heavy it could
Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
253 A cautious young fellow named Tunney
Had a whang that was worth any money.
When eased in half-way,
The girl's sigh made him say,
"Why the sigh?" "For ths rest of it, honey."
254 There was an old man who said, "Tush!
My balls always hang in the brush,
And I fumble about,
Half in and half out,
With a pecker as limber as mush."
255 A pious old woman named Tweak
Had taught her vagina to speak.
It was frequently liable
To quote from the Bible,
But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
256 There once was a newspaper vendor,
A person of dubious gender.
He would charge one-and-two
For permission to view
His remarkable double pudenda.
257 A maiden who lived in Virginny
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
The horsey set rushed her,
But success finally crushed her
For her tone soon became harsh and tiny.
258 There was a young of Warwick
Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
For he could by election
Have triune erection:
Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
259 When he tried to inject his huge whanger
A young man aroused his girl's anger.
As they strove in the dark
She was heard to remark,
"What you need is a zeppelin hanger."
260 There was a young squaw of Wohunt
Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
It had many odd uses,
Produced no papooses,
And fitted both giant and runt.
261 There was a young laundress named Wrangle
Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
"They may tickle my chin,"
She said with a grin,
"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
262 An organist playing in York
Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
And between obbligatos
He'd munch at tomatoes,
And keep up his trength while at work.
263 There was a young man named Zerubbabel
Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
When they asked if his pleasure
Was only half measure,
He replied, "That is highly improbable."
264 There was a young man named Zerubbabub
Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
But the pride of his life
Were the tits of his wife --
One real, and one India-rubber bub.
265 Thus spake I AM THAT I AM:
"For the Virgin I don't give a damn.
What pleases me most
Is to bugger the Ghost,
And then be sucked off by the Lamb."
266 Asi dije YO SOY QUE YO SOY:
"Por La Virgen un carajo no doy.
Lo que debe gustar
Es Jesus caporar --
Y para hacerlo Yo voy."
267 Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
She went down on the gents,
And pronged the girl's vents
With a clitoris reaching six inches.
268 There was a young lady named Astor
Who never let any get past her.
She finally got plenty
By stopping twenty,
Which certainly ought to last her.
269 Oden the bardling averred
His muse was the bum of a bird,
And his Lesbian wife
Would finger his fife
While Fisherwood waited as third.
270 There was a young fellow named Babbitt
Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
But a girl from Johore
Could do it twice more,
Which was just enough extra to crab it.
271 A young polo-player of Berkeley
Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
In the midst of each chukker
He would break off and fuck her
Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
272 There once was a jolly old bloke
Who picked up a girl for a poke.
He took down her pants,
Fucked her into a trance,
And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
273 There was a young idler named Blood,
Made a fortune performing at stud,
With a fifteen-inch peter,
A double-beat metre,
And a load like the Biblical Flood.
274 Though the invalid Saint of Brac
Lay all of his life on his back,
His wife got her share,
And the pilgrims now stare
At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
275 There was an old man of Brienz
The length of whose cock was immense:
With one swerve he could plug
A boy's bottom in Zug,
And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
276 There once was a Duchess of Bruges
Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
Said the king to this dame
As he thunderously came:
"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
277 There was an old man of Cajon
Who never could get a good bone.
With the aid of a gland
It grew simply grand;
Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
278 There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
But it wasn't Jehovah
That turned the girl over,
'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
The bugger, the bastard, the sod!
279 There once was a lady named Carter,
Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
She stripped off his pants,
At his prick quickly glanced,
And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
280 A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
While the man detumesced
She still spent on with zest,
Her rapture sheer anachronism.
281 There was a young man in the choir
Whose penis rose higher and higher,
Till it reached such a height
It was quite out of sight --
But of course you know I'm a liar.
282 There a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of orgasm
Said the pallid phantasm,
"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
283 Have you heard of the lady named Cox
Who had a capacious old box?
When her lover was in place
She said, "Please turn your face.
I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
284 A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire a shit out of malice.
While this worthy had fits
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
285 There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
286 There was a young woman in Dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
When it came to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.
287 There was a family named Doe,
An ideal family to know.
As father screwed mother,
She said, "You're heavier than brother."
And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
288 A lady, by passion deluded,
Found an African drunk and denuded,
And -- fir as a fiddle,
And hot for a diddle --
She tied splints to his penis and screwed it.
289 There was a strong man of Drumrig
Who one day did seven times frig.
He buggered three sailors,
Four Jews and two tailors,
And ended by fucking a pig.
290 There was an old man of Duluth
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He fucked with his nose
And with fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.
291 There was an old man of Duddee
Who came home as drunk as could be.
He wound up the clock
With the end of his cock,
And buggered his wife with the key.
292 A rapturous young fellatrix
One day was at work on five pricks.
With an unholy cry
She whipped out her glass eye:
"Tell the boys I can now take on six."
293 There was a young man with a fiddle
Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
She replied, "Yes, I do,
But prefer to with two --
It's twice as much fun in the middle."
294 I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
I replied, "Simple shagging
Without any wagging
Is only for screwing canoeing."
295 There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
Was reputed an infamous lecher.
When he'd take on a whore
She'd need a rebore,
And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
296 A young fellow discovered through Freud
That although of penis devoid,
He could practice coitus
By eating a foetus,
And his parents were quite overjoyed.
297 There was a young man from Jodhpur
Who found he could easily cure
His dread diabetes
By eating a foetus
Served up in a sauce of manure.
298 There once was a sailor named Gasted,
A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
He could jerk himself off
In a basket, aloft,
Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
299 There was a young girl of Gibraltar
Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
It really seems odd
That a virtuous God
Should answer her prayers and assault her.
300 A young man with passions quite gingery
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
He slapped her behind
And made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury.
301 A passionate red-headed girl,
When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
And her twat would get wet
And would wiggle and fret,
And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
302 There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
And then by six men,
Sir Gerald again,
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
303 Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
She obliges all who accost her.
She welcomes the prick
Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
304 The latest reports from Good Hope
State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
And fuck high, wide, and free,
From the top of one tree
To the top of the next -- what a scope!
305 A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In twenty-eight days
They got laid eighty ways --
Imagine such fucking devotion!
306 There was a young fellow named Grimes
Who fucked his girl seventeen times
In the course of a week --
And this isn't to speak
Of assorted venereal crimes.
307 There was a young lady named Hatch
Who would always come through in a scratch.
If a guy wouldn't neck her,
She'd grab up his pecker
And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
308 There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went for a walk with a builder.
He knew that he could,
And he should, and he would --
And he did -- and he goddam near killed her!
309 Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
Homo qui aedificabat.
Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat.
Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat.
Sed virginem pine necebat.
310 I know of a fortunate Hindu
Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
By the ladies he knows,
Who are thrilled to the toes
By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
311 If you're speaking of actions immoral
The how about giving the laurel
To doughty Queen Esther,
No three men could best her --
One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
312 There was a young miss from Johore
Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
In a manner uncanny
She'd wobble her fanny,
And drain your nuts dry to the core.
313 There was a young fellow of Kent
Whose prick was so long that it bent,
So to save himself trouble
He put it in double,
And instead of coming he went.
314 There was a young man of Kildare
Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
The bannister broke,
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
315 A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
While bent over plucking a dingle
Had the whole of Eisteddfod
Taking turns at his pod
While they sang some impossible jingle.
316 There once were two brothers named Luntz
Who buggered each other at once.
When asked to account
For this intricate mount,
They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
317 There was a young lady named Mable
Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
Then cry to her man,
"Stuff in all you can --
Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
318 An impotent Scot named MacDougall
Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
He was gathering semen
To gender a he-man,
By screwing his wife through a bugle.
319 There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
Who was diddled amazingly often.
She was rogered by scores
Who'd been turned down by whores,
And was finally screwed in her coffin.
320 A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
Was having a captive, a person
Who was not averse
Though she had the curse,
And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
321 There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."
322 There was a young fellow of Mayence
Who fucked his own arse, in defiance
Not only of custom
And morals, dad-bust him,
But most of the known laws of science.
323 The woman who lives on the moon
Is still cherishing the balloon
Of an earthling who'd come
And given her some,
But had dribbled away all too soon.
324 There is a young faggot named Mose
Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
And you'll double the joy
Of this lecherous boy
If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
325 There was an Old Man of the Mountain
Who frigged himself into a fountain
Fifteen times had he spent,
Still he wasn't content,
He simply got tired of the counting.
326 There was a young lady named Nance
Who learned about fucking in France,
And when you'd insert it
She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
And shoved it right back in your pants.
327 A studious professor named Nestor
Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
But she drained out his balls
And skipped up the walls,
Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
328 The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
Where ten thousand virgins
Succumbed to his urgin's
There now stands the great State of Utah.
329 There was a young girl of Newcastle
Whose charms were declared universal.
While one man in front
Wired into her cunt,
Anothere was engaged at her arsehole.
330 There was a young girl from New York
Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
A woodpecker or two
Made the grade it is true,
But it totally baffled the stork.
Till along came a man who presented
A tool that was strangely indented.
With a dizzying twirl
He punctured that girl,
And thus was the cork-screw invented.
332 There was a young girl named O'Clare
Whose body was covered with hair.
It was really quite fun
To probe with one's gun,
For her quimmy might be anywhere.
333 There once was a gay young Parisian
Who screwed an appendix incision,
And the girl of his choice
Could hardly rejoice
At the horrible lack of precision.
334 While spending the winter at Pau
Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
So the head-porter made her
The second-cook laid her;
The waiters were all hanging low.
335 There was a young girl of Penzance
Who boarded a bus in a trance.
The passengers fucked her,
Likewise the conductor.
The driver shot off in his pants.
336 The Shah of the Empire of Persia
Lay for days in a sexual merger.
When the nautch asked the Shah,
"Won't you ever withdraw?"
He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
337 A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
They screw the whole day
In a regular way,
And save up the nights for perversions.
338 There was a young girl of Rangoon
Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
"Well, it has been great fun,"
She remarked when he'd done,
"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
339 There was a young lady named Ransom
Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
When she cried out for more
A voice from the floor
Said, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
340 A maestro directing in Rome
Had a quaint way of driving it home.
Whoever he climbed
Had to keep her tail timed
To the beat of his old metronome.
341 "Last night," said a lassie named Ruth,
"In a long-distance telephone booth,
I enjoyed the perfection
Of an ideal connection --
I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
342 Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
Of all the girls that I've had,
None gave me the thrill
Of real rapture until
I learned how to be a tribade."
343 There once was a handsome young seaman
Who with ladies was really a demon.
In peace or in war,
At sea or on shore,
He could certainly dish out the semen.
344 Said a girl being had in a shanty,
"My dear, you have got it in slanty."
He replied, "I can use
Any angle I choose.
I ride as I please -- I'm Duranty!"
345 An old couple just at Shrovetide
Were having a piece -- when he died.
The wife for a week
Sat tight on his peak,
And bounced up and down as she cried.
346 My wife is an amorous soul
On fire for an African's pole.
She told a coon chauffeur
That he was her gopher --
And, say, did he go for her hole!
As he creamed my wife's cunt, the coon said,
"I could fuck this until she was dead!"
As he plugged up her trough,
I jerked myself off;
"If that's how you feel, go ahead!"
348 There was a young lady of Spain
Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
They did it again
And again and again,
And again and again and again.
(1) A habit depraved and unsavory
Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
Midst screeches and howls
He deflowered young owls
Which he kept in an underground aviary.
(2) While Titian was mixing rose madder
His model ascended the ladder
Her position to Titian
Suggested coition
So he mounted the ladder and had her.
(3) There was a young girl from New York
Who plugged up her quim with a cork
A woodpecker or two
Made the grade, it is true,
But it totally baffled the stork.
(4) A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
They screw the whole day
In the regular way,
And save up the nights for perversions.
(5) There was a young lady named Ransom
Who was raped three times in a hansom
When she cried out for more
Said a voice from the floor,
"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson!
(6) There was a young man from Tibet-
And this is the strangest one yet-
Whose tool was so long,
So pointed and strong,
He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
(7) There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
Who insists on a dozen a night.
A fellow named Cheddar
Had the brashness to wed her-
His chance of survival is slight.
(8) A worried young man from Stamboul
Discovered red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic!
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
(9) A broken-down harlot named Tupps
Was heard to confess in her cups:
"The height of my folly
Was diddling a collie-
But I got a nice price for the pups."
(10) There was an old whore in the Azores
Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
Why the dogs in the street
Wouldn't eat the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers.
(11) There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said,"Yes, I know,
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can.
(12) There was an old hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
He said "I'll admit
I'm a bit of a shit,
But look at the money I save."
(13) A scandal involving an oyster
Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
She preferred it, in bed,
To the count, (so she said)
'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
(14) There once was a bishop from Birmingham
Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
As they knelt on the hassock
He lifted his cassock
And slipped his Episcopal worm in 'em.
(15) There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
(16) On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
Was tatooed the price of her tail
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
(17) If continence causes neurosis
And intercourse causes thrombosis
I'd rather expire
Fulfilling desire
Than live in a state of psychosis.
(18) There Was a young lady named Rose
With erogenous zones in her toes.
She remained onanistic
Till a foot-fetishistic
Young man became one of her beaux.
(19) There was a young man named Rex
Who really was small for his sex.
When tried for exposure
The judge's disclosure
Was "De minimus non curat lex."
(20) There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose cock was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.
(21) There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
While wiping his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
(22) Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
"This must be our final adieu,
For the vicar is slicker,
And thicker, and quicker,
And two inches longer than you."
(23) A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
Resounded for miles upon miles.
Said the friar, "Good gracious,
The brother Ignatious
Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
(24) There was a young man named Laplace
Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
When they banged together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.
(25) There was a young man named Knute
Who had warts all over his root.
He put acid on these
And now when he pees,
He fingers the thing like a flute.
(26) A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
Went down on her beau in the garden.
He said, "Good lord, Tess,
Don't swallow that mess!"
And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
(27) A physical fellow named Fisk
Could screw at a rate very brisk.
So fast was his action
The Fitzgerald contraction
Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
(28) There was a young lady named Bright
Who could travel much faster than light.
She took off one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
(29) A computer called ILLIAC4
Had a rather tough bug in its core.
It chewed up its cards
And spewed yards and yards
Of illegible tape on the floor.
(30) There once was a couple named Kelly
Who walked around belly-to-belly.
It seems in their haste,
They used Carter's paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
(31) An amazon giantess named Dunne
Let a midget screw her for fun.
But the poor little runt
Was engulfed in her cunt
And re-born as the twin of his son.
(32) There was an old maid from Cape Cod
Who thought all good things came from god.
But it wasn't the almighty
Who lifted her nighty,
It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
(33) There was a young man from Bel-aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
(34) An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
Display for selection
Three kinds of erection-
Corinthian, Ionic, and Doric.
(35) A gay young prince from Morocco
Made love in a manner Rococco.
He painted his penis
To resemble a Venus
And flavored his semen with cocoa.
(36) A frustrated lady named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits were in Dallas.
(37) There was a young man from Boston
Who rode around in an Austin.
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
(38) There was a young monk from Siberia
Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
Till he did to a nun
What shouldn't be done
And made her a mother superia'.
(39) There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who had a peculiar feeling.
She laid on her back
And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling.
(40) On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
"Aha!" said the mate,
"That settles the fate
Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
(41) There was a young man from Bear Ridge
Who had strange ideas about marriage.
He fucked his wife's mother
And sucked off her brother
And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
(42) A clever young man named Eugene
Invented a jack-off machine.
On the twenty-third stroke
The goddam thing broke
And beat both his balls to a creame.
(43) There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex,
It served either sex,
But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
(44) A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, with which, and to whom.
(45) There once was a girl from Madras
Who had such a beautiful ass -
It was not round and pink
( As you bastards think )
But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
(46) A maiden who travelled in France
Once got on a train, just by chance.
The engineer fucked her,
The conductor sucked her,
And the fireman came in his pants.
(47) There was a young man from Dundee
Who buggered an ape in a tree.
The results were quite horrid:
All ass and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee.
(48) There was a young man from Rangoon
Who used to lament 'neath the moon
That he had the luck
To be born of a fuck
That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
(49) A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
Once swallowed a package of seeds.
In a month, his ass
Was covered with grass
And his balls were grown over with weeds.
(50) An ardent young man named Magruder
Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
She thought it quite lewd
To be wooed in the nude,
But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
(51) Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
Who came to Rumania's rescue?
It's a wonderful thing
To be under a king--
Is democracy better, I esk you?
(52) There once was a gangster named Brown
- The sneakiest bastard in town.
He was caught by G-men
Shooting his semen
Where the cops would slip and fall down.
(53) There was a young girl from Decatur
Who was raped by an alligator.
But no one quite knew
How she relished that screw,
For after he screwed her, he ate her.
(54) The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
Do an act in the nude on their knees.
They crawl down the aisle
While screwing dog-style,
As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
(55) "Well, I took your advice, doc," said Knopp,
"And told my wife to try it on top.
She bounced for an hour,
Till she ran out of power,
And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
(56) There was a young man from St. Paul's
Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
Till he grew such a passion
For feminine fashion
That he knitted a snood for his balls.
(57) There was a young lady from Rio
Who slept with the fornier trio.
As she dropped her panties
She said, "No andanties!
I want this allegro con brio."
(58) There was an old bishop from Buckingham
Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
His wife with distain
Could scarcely restrain
That sprightly old bishop from * * *.
(59) A greedy young lady from Sidney
Liked it in up to her kidney,
Till a man from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck--
He really diddled her, didn' he?
(60) A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole-
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
(61) There once was a fellow named Potts
Who was prone to having the trots
But his humble abode
Was without a commode
So his carpet was covered with spots.
(62) A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
The result of this fuck
Was a three titted duck,
A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
(63) There was an old whore from Silesia
Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
For a slight extra sum
You can go up my bum
But watch out or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
(64) For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
But the one remedy
For contagious V.D.
Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
(65) A cute little twerp from Samoa
Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
It was good for keyholes
And debutantes' peeholes
But not worth a damn on a whoa.
(66) There was a young fellow called Clyde
Who fell in an outhouse and died.
He had a twin brother
Who fell in another
So now they're interred side by side.
(67) A lusty young maid from Seattle
Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
Till she found a bull
Who filled her so full
It made both her ovaries rattle.
(68) There once was a man with a hernia
Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
When you work on my middle
Be sure you don't fiddle
With things that do not concern ya."
(69) A princess who reigned in Baroda
Made her home on a purple pagoda.
She festooned the walls
Of her halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
(70) A lady, while dining in Crewe,
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
Or wave it about
Or the others will ask for one, too."
(71) There was a young plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"
(72) There was a young lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
(73) In the garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the Earth
There were only two balls and he had 'em.
(74) A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's plus eight
Is his phone number - give him a call.
(75) There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too."
(76) There was an old count of Swoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
So, with great savoir-faire,
She stood on a chair
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
(77) There was a young man in Havana,
-Banged his girl on a player-piana.
At the height of their fever
Her ass hit the lever -
And: Yes! He has no banana!
(78) She begged and she pleaded for more.
I said, "We've already had four,
And I'm sure that you've heard,
Though its somewhat absurd,
That eros spelt backwards is sore."
(79) There once was a horny old bitch
With a motorized self-frigger which
She would use with delight
All day long and all night -
Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
(80) A geneticist living in Delft
Scientifically played with himself,
And when he was done
He labelled it: Son,
And filed him away on a shelf.
(81) Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
Let V be Virginity
Approaching infinity;
Let P be a constant persuasion;
Let V over P be Inverted
With the square root of Mu inserted
N times into V ...
The Result, Q E D,
Is a relative!" Einstein Asserted.
(82) The sexual desires of the camel are greater than anyone thinks.
Why once in a moment of passion one tried to deflower the sphinx
Now the sphinx's posterior orifice is clogged with the sands of the nile
Which accounts for the hump on the camel's back and the sphinx's inscrutable smile.
(83) The new cinematic emporium
Is not just a super-sensorium,
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.
(84) An artist who lived in Australia
Once painted his ass like a dahlia.
The drawing was fine,
The colour - devine,
The scent - Ah! that was a failia.
(85) There was a young man of Devizes,
Whose balls were of different sizes.
One was so small,
It was nothing at all;
The other took numerous prizes.
(86) A talented girl from Detroit
Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
She could squeeze her vagina
To a pin-point or finer
Or open it out like a quoit.
(87) There was a young royal marine,
Who tried to fart "God Save The Queen".
When he reached the soprano
Out came only guano
And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
(88) Il y avait un jeune homme de Dijon,
Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
Il dit: "Quant a' moi,
Je deteste tous les trois,
Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
(89) There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
Whose people all thought her a virgin,
Till they found her in bed
With her twat very red,
And the head of a kid just emergin'.
(90) There was a young girl from Samoa
Who pledged that no man would know her.
One young fellow tried,
But she wriggled aside,
And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
(91) There was a young lady named Wylde
Who kept herself quite undefiled
By thinking of Jesus;
Contagious diseases;
And the bother of having a child.
(92) There was a young lady from Spain
Who got sick as she rode on a train;
Not once, but again,
And again, and again,
And again, and again, and again.
(93) There was a young girl from St. Paul
Who went to a newspaper ball.
Her dress caught on fire
And burnt her entire
Front page and sport section and all.
(94) A silly young man from Hong Kong
Had hands that were skinny and long.
He ate rice with his fingers--
The taste of it lingers,
But now all his fingers are gone.
(95) According to experts, the oyster
In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
May frequently be
Either he or a she
Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
(96) The cruelest of creatures the crab
With claws that can pinch you or stab,
And then when you dine
On crab and white wine
It gets you as well with the tab.
(97) That naughty old Sappho of Greece
Said: "What I prefer to a piece
Is to have my pudenda
Rubbed hard by the enda
The little pink nose of my niece." <12th Letter>
(98) Two eager young men from Cawnpore
Once buggared and fucked the same whore.
But her partition split
And the blood and the shit
Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
(99) There was a young girl from Peru,
Who noticed her lovers were few;
So she walked out her door
With a fig leaf, no more,
And now she's in bed - with the flu.
(100) There was a young lady from Spain
Who demurely undressed on a train.
A helpful young porter
Helped more than he orter,
And she promptly cried, "Help me again!"
(101) A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd just "Take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
(102) A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
While this worthy had fits
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
(103) A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
(104) She wasn't what one could call pretty
And other girls offered her pity,
So nobody guessed
That her Wasserman test
Involved half the men in the city.
(105) There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
She told her young man,
"Get off the divan,
I think I've discovered one more way!"
(106) There was a young girl who begat
Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
T'was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found there's no tit for tat.
(107) A girl camper once had an affair
With a fellow all covered with hair.
When she gave him his hat
She realized that
She'd been had by Smokey the bear.
(108) A busy young lady named Gloria
Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
And then by six men,
Sir Gerald again,
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
(109) Oh pity the prince, Montezuma!
He tried to make love to a puma.
Seems the puma, in play,
Tore his testes away -
- An example of animal huma.
(110) A cautious young fellow named Lodge
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
When his date was strapped in,
He committed a sin,
Without even leaving his grodge.
(111) A progressive professor named Winners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
They were graded and spaced
So the vile and debased
Would not be held back by beginners.
(112) To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Is your east tit the least bit
The best of your west tit,
Or is it a trick of perspective?"
(113) There once was a lady named Myrtle
Who had an affair with a turtle.
She had crabs, so they say,
In a year and a day
Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
(114) There was a young lad - name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
(115) There once was a man from Sandem
Who was making his girl on a tandem.
At the peak of the make
She jammed on the brake
And scattered his semen at random.
(116) There once was a fellow named Brewster
Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
"It used to be grand
But look at my hand!
You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
(117) A petulant man once said, "Pish!
Your cunt is as big as a dish."
She replied, "Why you fool,
With your limp little tool,
It's like driving a pin with a fish."
(118) There was an old man from Bengal
Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
His favorite trick
Was to stand on his dick
While he rolled around on one ball.
(119) There once was a fellow named Sweeney
Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
Not being uncouth,
He added vermouth
And slipped his amour a martini.
(120) On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
Not Russian elite-
She's eager to eat
Whatever or whoever lays her.
(121) There was a man from Mich.
Who used to wish and wich.
That spring would come
So he could bum
Around and go out fich.
(122) There was a young lady named Ciss
Who Said, "I think skating's a bliss!"
But she'll never restate,
For a wheel off her skate
.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
(123) A joker who haunts Monticello
Is really a terrible fellow.
In the midst of caresses
He fills ladies dresses
With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
(124) There once was a maid from Mobile
Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
She only got thrills
From pneumatic drills
And an off-centered emery wheel.
(125) There was a young fellow named Feeney
Whose girl was a terrible meany.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch
-She could only be screwed by Houdini.
(126) There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
(127) A marine being sent to Hong Kong
Got a doctor to alter his dong.
He sailed off with a tool
Flat and thin as a rule-
When he got there he found he was wrong.
(128) There was a young girl from East Lynn
( To save her from sin )
Had filled up her crack
With hard-setting shellac,
But the boys picked it out with a pin.
(129) There was a young girl named Saphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
(130) There was a young fellow named Hatch
Who was fond of the music of Bach.
He said: "It's not fussy
Like Brahms and Debussy;
Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
(131) There was an old lady of Glascow,
Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
At nine-thirty, about,
The lights all went out,
Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
(132) A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
(133) A lady from Kalamazoo
Once found she had nothing to do,
So she sat on the stairs
And she counted her hairs:
4,302.
(134) A corpulent maiden named Kroll
Had a notion exceedingly droll:
At a masquerade ball,
Dressed in nothing at all,
She backed in as a Parker House roll.
(135) There was a young lady named Nelly
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
They could tickle her twat
Or be tied in a knot,
and could even swat flies on her belly.
(136) There once was a girl named Priscilla
Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
The taste was so fine
Man and beast stood in line
(Including a stud armadilla).
(137) There was an old man from Duluth
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He fucked with his nose
Or his fingers and toes
And he came thru a hole in his tooth.
(138) There was a young lady from Rheims
Who amazingly pissed in FOUR streams.
A friend poked around
And a fly-button found
Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
(140) There was a gay Countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
That in spite of high station,
- Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a 'K'.
(141) There was an old man of Connaught
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart!"
(142) There was a young cook with the art
Of making a delicious tart
With a handful of shit,
Some snot and some spit,
And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
(143) There was a young lass from Surat.
The cheeks of her ass were so fat
That they had to be parted
Whenever she farted,
And also whenever she shat.
(144) There was a young lady of Gaza
Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
The crabs, in a lump,
Made tracks to her rump -
This passing parade did amaze her.
(145) A doctoral student from Buckingham
Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking 'em.
But a dropout from Paree
Taught him Gamahuchee
- So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
(146) There was a young woman of Cheadle,
Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
Said she, "does it itch?"
"It does, you damned bitch,
And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
(147) There was a poor parson from Goring,
Who made a small hole in his flooring,
Fur-lined it all round,
Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
(148) A potter who lived in Bombay
Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
But the heat of his prick
Kilned the damn thing to brick
And chafed all his foreskin away.
(149) There was a young lady from Siam
Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
"You may kiss me of course,
But you'll have to use force.
Though god knows you're stronger than I Am."
(150) On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
His girl got a yen for fellatio.
As she sucked on his dingus
He tried cunnilingus
But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
(151) There was a young man of Calcutta,
Who tried to write "CUNT" on a shutter.
When he got to C-U,
A pious Hindoo
Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
(152) A handsome young rodent named Gratian
As a lifeguard became a sensation.
All the lady mice waved
And screamed to be saved
By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
(153) In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
But this lubricant lapse
Isn't noticed, perhaps
Because NOBODY does in Duluth.
(154) A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Saracen.
She was not oversexed,
Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.
(155) A princess who lived near a bog
Met a prince in the form of a frog.
Now she and her prince
Are the parents of quints,
Four boys and one fine polliwog.
(156) A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
I learn from my spies
He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.
(157) A teenage protester named Lil
Cried, "Those Watergate spies make me ill!
First they bugged our martinis,
Our bras and bikinis,
And now they are bugging the pill."
(158) There was a young man of Bombay
Who buggered his dad once a day.
He said, "I like, rather,
Fucking my father --
He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
(159) A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another, more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
(160) There once was a fellow named Bob
Who in sexual ways was a snob.
One day he was swimmin'
with twelve naked women
And deserted them all for a gob.
(161) There once was a monk of Camyre
Who was seized with a carnal desire
And the primary cause
Was the abbess's drawers
Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
(162) An exotic young lady named Suki
Once danced in a troupe of Kabuki
When asked for a fuck
She said, "Solly, no luck--
See here! Looky looky, no nuki!"
(163) One evening a Guru had coitus
With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
When asked what position
He used for coition,
He answered serenely, "The loetus."
(164) Asked a supplicant priest of the Pontiff,
"Do I sin if I do what I want, if
I screw a young nun
In the Eastertide sun?"
His Holiness murmured, "Gut Yontiff."
(165) A pious young lady of Chichester
Made all of the saints in their niches stir
And each morning at matin
Her breast in pink satin
Made the Bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
(166) There was a young gaucho named Bruno
Who said, "There is one thing I do know,
Women are fine
And children devine,
But the llama is Numero Uno."
(167) There was a young lady at sea
Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
Said the brawny old Mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the cook and the captain and me."
(168) A lovely young maid from St. Jude
Once rode through the streets in the nude.
The police cried, "Whatam--
Agnificent bottom!"
And slapped it as hard as they cude.
(169) Said a pornographistic young poet
"Although I perhaps do not show it,
My interest in sin
Is wearing quite thin,
And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
(170) There was a young fellow named Grant
Who was made like the sensitive plant.
When they asked "Do you fuck?"
He replied, "No such luck.
I would if I could, but I can't."
(171) There was a young monk of Dundee
Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
He said, "Pax vobiscum,
Now why won't the piss come?
I'm afraid I've the C-L-A-P."
(172) A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
To arrest his regard
She would squat in his yard
And longingly pee in the sneaux.
(173) There was a young woman, quite handsome,
Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
When she offered much gold
For release, she was told
That the view was worth more than the ransom.
(174) There was a young man from Bengal
Who claimed he had only one ball,
But two little bitches
Pulled down this man's breeches
And proved he had nothing at all.
(175) Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
How they lift the frock
And tickle the cock
Of the Bishop while he was confirming 'em?
(176) There was a young lady from Wooster
Who complained that too many men gooster.
So she traded her scanties
For sandpaper panties,
Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
(177) A weary old lecher named Blott
Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
Too lazy to rape her,
He made darts out of paper,
Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
(178) An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
She was finally the prize
Of a man twice her size
And all she recalls is the ache.
(179) A gifted young fellow from Sparta
Was widely renowned as a farta'.
He could fart anything
From "Of Thee I Sing,"
To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
(180) A deep-throated virgin named Netty
Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
She said, "It tastes nice,
Much better than rice,
Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
(181) There was a young man of Lake Placid
Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
When he wanted to sport
He would have to resort
To injections of sulphuric acid.
(182) A certain young sheik of Algiers
Said to his harem, "My dears,
Though you may think it odd of me,
I'm tired of just sodomy
Let's try straight fucking." (Loud cheers!)
(183) An ambitious lady named Harriet
Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
By seventeen sailors
A monk and three tailors,
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
(184) The old archeologist, Throstle,
Discovered a marvelous fossil.
He knew from its bend
And the knot on the end,
T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
(185) "Well, Madam," the Bishop declared,
While the Vicar just mumbled and stared,
"'Twere better, perhaps,
In the crypt or the apse,
Because sex in the nave must be shared."
(186) The Kings of Peru were the Incas,
Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
They worshipped the sun
And had lots of fun,
But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
(187) There was a young lady named Cager
Who, as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The entire oboe part
Of Mozart's Quartet in F Major.
(188) A whimsical fellow named Bloch
Could beat the base drum with his cock.
With a special erection
He could play a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach.
(189) There was an old man of Hong-Kong
Who NEVER did anything wrong.
He would lie on his back
With his head in a sack
And secretly finger his dong.
(190) There was an old person of Ware
Who had an affair with a bear.
He explained, "I don't mind,
For it's gentle and kind,
But I wish it had slightly less hair."
(191) A hearty young fellow named Yost
Once had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of the spasm
The poor ectoplasm
Cried, "Goodie! I feel it ... almost."
(192) A pretty young boy known as Kevin
Was raped in a pasture by seven
Lascivious beasts
(Oh, those Anglican priests!)
And such is the kingdom of heaven.
(193) Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
By all of the lads in his class
He said, with a yawn,
"Now the novelty's gone
And it's only a pain in the ass."
(194) A lad, at his first copulation,
Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
Gyration, elation
Throughout the duration,
I guess I'll give up masturbation."
(195) A charmer from old Amarillo,
Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
Decided one day
That to keep men away
She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
(196) A dentist, young Doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
And, in his depravity,
Filled the wrong cavity.
God, how his practice has grown!
(197) There was a young lady named Alice
Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
'Twas the common belief
It was done for relief,
And not out of Protestant malice.
(198) A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
As quick as a glance
He stripped off his pants,
But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
(199) A lady from old Little Rock
In fidelity took little stock,
And deserted her man
In the streets of Japan
For a boy with a prehensile cock.
(200) There was a young lady from Munich
Who had an affair with a eunuch.
At the height of their passion
He dealt her a ration
From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
(201) An impish young fellow named James
Had a passion for idiot games.
He lighted the hair
Of his lady's affair
And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
(202) A cabin boy on an old clipper
Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
He plugged up his ass
With fragments of glass
And thus circumcised his old skipper.
(203) We sailed on the good ship Venus,
My god, you should have seen us
With a figurehead
Of a whore in bed
And the mast an upright penis.
The captain of the lugger
Was known as a filthy bugger
Declared unfit
To shovel shit
From one ship to another.
The first mate's name was Cooper,
By god he was a trooper
He jerked and jerked
Until he worked
Himself into a stupor.
The cabin boy was Chipper,
A dandy little nipper
He shoved cracked glass
Inside his ass
And circumcised the skipper.
The captain's wife was Charlotte,
Born and bred a harlot
Her thighs at night
Were lily white
By morning they were scarlet.
The captain's youngest daughter
Slipped into the water
Her plaintive squeals
Announced that eels
Had found her sexual quarter.
The ship's dog's name was Rover,
They turned the poor beast over
And ground and ground
That faithful hound
From Tenerief to Dover.
(204) God's plan had a great beginning,
But man spoiled his chances by sinning
We trust that the story
Will end in God's glory
But at present the other side's winning.
(205) There once was an ARPAnet freak,
Who better response-time did seek.
He searched coast to coast,
For a reliable host,
Whose logger took less than a week.
(206) There was a young maiden named Hoople
Whose bosom was triple, not duple
She had one removed
But it grew back improved
At present Miss Hoople is quadruple!
(207) A honeymoon couple named Kelly
Spent their honeymoon belly to belly,
Because in their haste,
They used library paste
In the place of petroleum jelly.
(208) A man who would woo a fair maid
Should 'prentice himself to the trade.
He should study all day
In methodical way
How to flatter, cajole, and persuade.
(209) A certain unmusical Persian
Had a curious sort of perversion.
He thought that the part
That was words was by Art
And was sure that the tunes were Gilbertian.
(210) A woman who lived on Antigua
Once said to her mate, "What a pig you are!"
He answered, "My queen,
Is it manner you mean?
Or do you refer to my figure?"
(211) There was a young lady of Yap
With pimples all over her map.
But in her interstices
There lurked a far worse disease
That is commonly known as the clap.
(212) There was a sweet girl of Decatur
Who went to sea on a freighter.
She was screwed by the master
--An utter disaster--
But the crew all made up for it later.
(213) There was a young woman of Sydney
Who could take it clear up to the kidney.
But the thrust of Alphonse
Barely reached to her mons
So he left her unsatisfied, didney?
(214) A woman from South Philadelphia
Once found herself left on the shelfia.
No one wanted her wares
But she muttered, "Who cares?"
And cheerfully played with herselfia.
(215) There was a young man from Poughkeepsie
Who, whenever he got slightly tipsy,
Would whip out his tool
And attack, like a fool,
Any girl who was breasty and hipsy.
(216) A certain young fellow named Vaughn
Once felt irresistibly drawn
To exhibiting fun
That involved more than one
So he screwed his best girl on the lawn.
(217) A man from the small Isle of Wight
Once went on a far eclipse flight.
The weather was bad
Girls were not to be had
And the Moon veered away out of spite.
(218) A certain hard-working young hooker
Was such an enchanting good-looker,
There were fights 'mongst the fuzz
Over whose turn it was
To pinch her, and frisk her, and book her.
(219) There was a young man named Sam Stover
Who prayed for a girl to Jehovah.
She appeared on his lap
And gave him the clap
Now that sort of prayer is all over.
(220) All was well with the Dowager Duchess
When trapped in the mad rapist's clutches.
Till he turned on the light,
Took one look, said good night
So she hit him with one of her crutches.
(221) There was a young lady named Hunt
Who performed the unusual stunt
Of screwing by mail
When she was in jail
For she had a detachable cunt.
(222) There was a young woman named Clare
Within genitals lacking in hair.
What caused this affliction
Was sexual friction
Which left them the worse for the wear.
(223) Another young waman named Clare
Would walk around perfectly bare,
Saying, "All that I show
Are my publics, you know,
For my privates are covered with hair."
(224) "I am just," moaned a girl from Racine,
"A perpetual motion machine.
I can't help it. I must.
For I service the lust
Of a sex-starved young U.S. Marine."
(225) There was a young fellow from Queens
Whose perpetual motion machines
Would more forward by jerks
For he kept in the works
The best Mexican high-jumping beans.
(226) A woman most gorgeously stacked
Thought screwing a glorious act.
So, for finding a niche
For those who were rich,
She was diamonded, minked, Cadillacked.
(227) There is a young woman from Riga
With morals depressingly meager,
She's seduced twice a week
By a lecherous Greek
If "seduced" is the word when she's eager.
(228) An Olympian lecher was Zeus,
Always playing around fast and loose,
With one hand in the bodice
Of some likely young goddess
And the other preparing to goose.
(229) A young woman from South Carolina
Placed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina.
With the proper-sized cocks
What was sex became Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.
(230) "On the beach," said John, sadly, "There's such
A thing as revealing too much."
So he closed both his eyes
At the ranks of bare thighs
And felt his way through them by touch.
(231) A young violinist named Biddle
Played exceedingly well on the fiddle.
Yet 'twixt women and art
'Twas the girls won his heart
Hands down and hands up--and hands middle.
(232) A Sultan said sadly, "One strives
To please all my fifty-six wives.
But, alas, intromission
Gives me the condition
That's commonly known as the hives."
(233) Said a woman with open delight,
"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare
But the fellows don't care
They locate it more quickly at night."
(234) "What a shame," said a winsome young miss,
"That an organ that brings me such bliss
With its delicate touch
Should be wasted on such
An unpleasant production as piss."
(235) In her youth, exhibitionist Annie
Was fequently spanked by her nannie.
That is why, to this day,
Some psychiatrists say
She is fond of exposing her fanny.
(236) An expert at kissin' and dallyin'
Had a prick quite like that of a stallion.
His success would be cosmic
But for shortcomings osmic
For he reeked very strongly of scallion.
(237) An innocent hooker named Agnes
Was reduced to mere tatters and ragness
Because the poor sweet
Kept on working a street
That was laden with queers and with fagness.
(238) A rapist's convicted, and hence is
Executed for all his offenses,
Thereafter, indeed,
His victims agreed
That the man was well-hung in both senses.
(239) A young teacher from far-off Bombay
Turned down a request for a lay
Nicely couched in a note,
Since the fellow who wrote
Had spelled "intercoarse" with an "a."
(240) Said a man from Mobile, Alabama,
"I'm displeased with my role in life's drama.
My wife, who's a shrew,
Isn't willing to screw
And she's sure to outlive me, God damma."
(241) Young Jane was a lollapolooza
Yet no one could manage to use her.
She wouldn't screw with them
Except to the rhythm
Of the marches of John Philip Sousa.
(242) A fellow from Chicopee, Mass.
Rejected another man's pass.
He felt some attraction,
But recalled that the action
Might well prove a pain in the ass.
(243) During sex, Mary's moans were harmonic
From high C, down by chords, to the tonic.
So John felt it unsordid
To have them recorded
In sound that was stereophonic.
(244) How bitter was Joseph's existence
When he found that his girl friend's insistence
Meant that he'd have to wed her
Before he could bed her.
She was simply a piece de resistance.
(245) A young man from a lofty sierra
Found sex both a puzzle and terror.
But he met with a lass
In a similar pass
And they both learned--by trial and error.
(246) A luscious young student at Vassar
Was hailed as a top-of-the-classer.
But not in her studies
You old fuddy-duddies
For she shone as a great piece-of-asser.
(247) The crotch of a lady from Trenton
Was too tight to make much of a dent on.
The fellows who tried
Spread the news far and wide
That she made of a hard-un, a bent-un.
(248) There was a young woman named Melanie
Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any?"
She replied, "No, siree,
I give it for free
To see it, dear sir, is a felony."
(249) There was a young woman named Susan
Who found it completely amusin'
To make love to three men
Although who did what when
Was frequently rather confusin'.
(250) Thanks to sex, a young woman named Carol
Looked delightful in model's apparel.
The slimming effect
Was best, I suspect,
When her man had her over a barrel.
(251) A stableman, fresh from the Ruhr,
Had a daughter, delightful and pure.
It seems such a shame
That her chief claim to fame
Was her great skill at pitching manure. |
