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Archive-name: Control/

Archive-author: Deb Atwood (1990)

Archive-title: Chaos in my Mind

                        August 6, 1990

What makes a person crazy?  I mean, how do I know when I'm losing

my mind?  Maybe I'm just imagining things.  Stress, yeah that's

it.  Now, calm down Amanda and just try to be calm.

There it is again!

For God's sake, why doesn't it leave me alone?

I keep hearing this voice.  It's calling my name.  I know, I know,

how can such a simple thing scare me so much?  Well, its weird!

I can be working, or reading, and suddenly I hear, clear as a bell,

"Amanda."  I turn, and there's no one there.  I'm alone in the house

right now.  My roomates are still at work - I came home early because

of this stupid voice.

It's been going on for nearly 3 months now.  Since I graduated, in

fact.  It started out as maybe once or twice a week, now it's up to

several times a day.  Out of nowhere, "Amanda."

It's a male voice.  I know that much.  So I'm hallucinating that

a man is speaking to me.  Maybe I'm desperate.  I'm smiling as

I write that, because, no, I'm not desperate.  If I were desperate

I would have agreed to go out with Shane last week.  But no, I

won't date him.  I've heard too much about his fast hands.  Rob

on the other hand is a possibility, but he's not even noticed I'm

anywhere around yet.

Okay, I'm calmer now, and I think I'll be able to sleep.  I'll

just turn out the light and sleep, and there won't be any more

strange voices to bother me.

                        August 17, 1990

It's 4 AM and I just woke up from the strangest dream.  The sheets

are soaked with sweat and my hands are shaking so hard that this

is hardly readable.  I've never had a dream like that before in my

life.  I wish dreams weren't so hazy.  If I could only recall it

clearly I think I might understand...

I was... where was I?  I was in a park, I think, sitting under a

tree reading, and there was someone talking to me, or maybe it was

to someone else?  But then the scene changed, and I was swimming,

in a secluded place, and then there was a man there.  I can't remember

what he looks like!  But oh God, I can remember what he felt like.

We were swimming nude, and he held me against him as the water 

slipped over our bodies, making us slick and wet, and he kissed

me deeply until my knees were weak.  I've never been kissed like

that, only dreamed of it.  He held me for a long time, just kissing

me and caressing my body.  I remember him making some comment about

my breasts shriveling up like prunes if we stayed in the water

much longer, then he laughed as he picked me up and carried me out.

He dried me off so slowly and sensuously with the towel we had

left on the beach, then followed the tracks of the towel with his

tongue.  I just lay there, basking in the pleasure of his touch.

Then suddenly I felt cold, and when I opened my eyes I was here,

and awake.  And I couldn't remember his face.  Nothing but his

eyes, infinitely caring as he gazed down at me.  

I would give anything to experience the kind of love I'm dreaming

about.  To have the chance at such pleasure and such contentment.

I can hardly keep my eyes open, and my hand is wavering as it writes.

I wish I could remember his name...

                        September 4, 1990

Well, the holiday weekend is over and it was back to work today.

Actually, I'm still at work.  Shane's been bugging me all day - 

Suzanne blew him off this weekend apparently, so he feels he has to

make up the time with me.  No way!  I wish he'd get it through his

head that I'm not interested.  Besides, I don't want to be someone's

second choice.  He's not even my type.

Now, Rob I'm worried about.  He came into work this morning with

dark circles under his eyes.  He says he's fine, just a little

fall cold, but he's seemed pretty listless most of the day.  I

barely saw a sparkle when the boss came by and told him what a

great job he'd done on the last project.  Rob just nodded and went

back to work on his current project.  I'm worried about the guy.

I can just barely see his cubicle from my own, and he's sitting there

now, staring at a point just beyond his monitor.  He looks like he's

got something pretty heavy on his mind.

Okay, Amanda, we're going to get the courage up and go see if Rob

would like to go to lunch.  He looks like he's not in such a hot

mood and maybe we can cheer him up.  Come on girl, lets go.


He went!  He actually went to lunch with me!

Well, it was just down to the cafeteria, but he went with me.  And

we talked (and talked and talked and talked).  I was really amazed

at the things we had to talk about.  Did you know he's really into

the occult and esp and stuff like that?  Of course you didn't - 

stupid question!  But he is.  And he really believes in it.  He

told me about this hypnotist he'd seen on stage, and how he'd gone

up on stage and it all really worked.  I was pretty amazed, but I'm

still not sure I could believe it.  I mean, people talking with

their minds and moving things around?  It all sounds pretty far-

fetched to me.  I mean, enjoyable to read about, but not something

I'd expect to do in my spare time.

Oh, but the best part of all is that he asked if I want to see a

movie tonight.  Natch, I said "sure"!  I don't even care what we

see, I'm so excited.  What should I wear?  The mini skirt?  Or

the spandex pants?  Or maybe just jeans so he doesn't realize

just how badly I want to impress him?

                        Later still...

What a flop.  Not even a kiss.  I mean, it went great and we got

along great and all, but I'm not sure he even realized I was a girl!

I think we're going to be great friends, but can I deal with being

friends with the man and not drool over him every second?  I guess

if he wants to be just friends then I'm sorta stuck, y'know.  I'm

not happy with the idea, but that's just the way it is.

If only he weren't so damned good looking this wouldn't be so


                        September 20, 1990

Damn damn damndamndamn!

I hadn't heard that idiotic voice in nearly a *month* until today!

And while I was at lunch with Rob, too.  Oh, *DAMNIT*!

Sorry about the profanity.  But there I was, sitting at lunch,

chatting with Rob, when I heard over my right shoulder, "Amanda."

I turned automatically to see who was there.  Then I heard it over

my left shoulder, and I turned the other way.  No one.  By this time

I'd figured out that it was that whoever in my insane little mind

poking its ugly nose out again and was trying to ignore it.

Rob was looking at me strangely.

"What's wrong, 'manda?"  He reached a hand over to cup my chin

and turn me to face him.  "You look like you've seen a ghost."

I shook my head, not wanting to tell him I was insane.

He stood up and came around to my side of the table.  Two strong

hands lifted me until I stood and then led me from the room.  We

walked down the hall to the door, and out into the gardens beside

the cafeteria, down by the people eating and into the gardens proper.

Rob sat me on a bench and looked very serious as he asked, "Okay,

'manda, start talking.  What has you so spooked?"

I couldn't help myself.  Everything tumbled out in a jumble of

words as Rob sat there listening.  Everything.  Except the dream.

I couldn't talk about that, not to Rob.

When I finished, Rob just nodded and then said quietly, "When you

hear your name, do you ever get a sense of desperation?  Or worry?

Do you have any idea why this person might be calling to you?"

I looked up in surprise, and saw a strange light in his eyes.  Rob

was fascinated!  He didn't think I was insane.  He thought this was

some of his telepathy stuff.  I held up my hand.  "Whoa, stop right

there.  This isn't any supernatural experience, Rob.  I'm just

overworked.  People call me all the time, and I've just gotten to

the point where I imagine it, okay?  No big deal.  I just need some


Rob nodded and was silent.  I could tell by his expression that he

still wanted to say stuff, but I just glared and he didn't.  We sat 

for a while until I'd calmed down.

As we walked back into the building, Rob said, "How'd you like to

go horseback riding in New York?"

I looked up at him in surprise.  He shrugged and added, "My parents

own a few horses and we have plenty of room at their house.  We

could drive out and spend the weekend doing nothing but relaxing."

His eyes were serious as they caught mine.  "It might help you get

rid of some of your stress."

My heart was pounding.  Going away for a weekend with Rob.  *Was*

pounding?  Hell, I came straight back here and started writing

(after saying yes of course) and my heart is still pounding.  I

have to keep telling myself that we're only friends, or I'll read

more into this weekend than he intends.  Wishful thinking on my

part, I know, but I can't help it.  I'll just think about horses,

and riding, and relaxing in the last few warm days of the year.

                        September 22, 1990

I had another dream this morning.  It's about 7 AM now, and Rob's

back in his room getting ready to go riding.  I'm sitting here 

scribbling furiously when I should be getting dressed.  But I want

to get it down on paper before it all slips from my mind.

I was sleeping and I heard that voice say my name again.  I looked

around in my dream, and slowly the view became clearer.  It was the

room I'd gone to sleep in!  I couldn't see the man as he spoke, but

I heard his voice as he whispered to me, and felt his hands as he

stroked my body.  I was growing hotter by the second as he whispered

what he would do to me.

I was just at the point of release when I heard a crash, and then

there was a terrible feeling of pain and the man was gone.  I know

he wasn't there to begin with, but the feeling of him suddenly

not being there even in my mind was so painful that I think I screamed.

There was another crash and my door swung open.  I don't even remember

waking up.  I just remember bursting into tears as Rob held me.  I

couldn't say what I was crying for, only that I couldn't stop 

crying no matter how hard I tried.  I can still feel this intense

loss that makes me want to cry, and I don't understand it.  I

was so warm in my dream, wrapped up in love and all cozy, and now

I'm shivering as I sit here on the edge of my bed, my legs dangling 

bare under the edge of my t-shirt.  It's too cold in this room.

I guess fall is really here after all.


We had a wonderful ride.  We rode out to one edge of his parent's

property and sat for a while.  We'd brought a picnic lunch, so

we ate it and then sat under the trees to relax for a while.  I set

out my blanket and curled up while Rob walked around a bit.

The area felt familiar to me, and I was soon drifting in a cocoon

of warmth and coziness.  Rob came back and knelt next to me, his

voice low as he coaxed me to get up and walk with him.

He took my hand, leading my down a path into the woods.  I laughed.

"All right, where are we going?" I asked cheerfully.  He just shook

his head as we stepped out of the trees and were on an enbankment

above a small river.

My head reeled with a sense of deja vu, but I couldn't place it.

I looked up to see Rob grinning at me.  Well, maybe leering is a

better word.  "Wanna skinny-dip?" he asked, one hand already on

his fly.

I grinned, even though I was so nervous inside I could hardly

stand up straight.  "Sure."  I grabbed the bottom of my shirt

and tugged it off before I could change my mind.  My bra quickly

followed and then my pants and undies.  I slipped into the water

before turning to see Rob stepping in behind me.

He moved into the water slowly, and I got a good view of his

magnificent body.  Well, maybe not so magnificent.  He's not a

bodybuilder, but he's not fat either.  He's a little on the skinny

side, but definitely not unpleasantly so.  He's maybe six feet

tall, with long arms and legs, a nice tan lingering from summer,

and light brown hair with streaks of blond.  And blue eyes that

could absolutely hypnotize me.

He walked up to me, his eyes fastened on mine, and when he was 

close enough to touch me, he placed his hands on my shoulders and

drew me close, bending his head so his lips touched mine.

My body slid against his, the water between us making the contact

slick and slippery.  His mouth moved over mine, his tongue caressing

my lips.  When he pulled away, his hands caressed my face as I

gazed at him in a sort of surprised wonder.

His thumb traced the lines of my cheek as he spoke.  "Amanda,"

he whispered softly... and I recognized his voice.

"Rob?"  His name slipped out in my surprise, and he just nodded, his

eyes thoughtful.

"I've been thinking about you since you moved into the cubicle

down the hall," he admitted softly.  "Every once in a while you

would slip into my thoughts, as if I whispered your name.  I've

even dreamed about you, and about bringing you here, and about

all the things I want to do to you."

I blushed.  "I know," I said softly.  My mind was whirling.  It

was Rob.  It had been Rob saying my name, even though he was nowhere

around.  It had been Rob haunting my dreams, and they'd been *his*

dreams, not mine!  I was confused, and a little wary, but somehow

I found myself accepting all of it at face value.

My hand reached up to touch his cheek and I felt a flood of

emotion.  I felt love, and the heat of lust, and the flooding

of blood to my manhood and the spreading of warmth through

my breasts and between my legs.  The sensations confused

me... I knew they couldn't all be mine.  It felt so strange,

as if I were feeling his feelings.  I wondered if he could

feel mine.

"Yes, Amanda."

I looked up at him in surprise, and he captured another kiss.

The sensations were delicious, as if I felt two of everything.


"We'll share everything," he whispered softly.  "Every sensation

shared by the two of us.  Every thought, every touch.  We have

something very special here, Amanda.  Open you heart and your

mind and share with me."

I still didn't understand, but his hands were relaxing me as they

caressed my body.  He reached low and caught me up in his arms,

carrying my to the beach.  There was a towel there, and I

vaguely remembered him carrying it before, but it hadn't seemed

important then.  He set me on the towel and with the corners

began drying me off, first with the soft towel, then with his


My back arched and I cried out, my fingers tangling in his hair.

His tongue circled my taught nipple and I felt my limbs relax

as his body covered mine.  I felt every sensation as his hands roamed

my body, coaxing me to arousal, and I felt Rob's arousal too.  I

could feel him, hard against my thigh as his hips moved slowly

against me, and I could feel as if I were him.  I could feel how

it felt as he suckled gently at one nipple while his hand carressed

the other.  The delight of slipping a finger between my nether lips,

finding my clit and making me even wetter.  I'd had no idea how

exciting  and intoxicating it was to seduce someone, but now I felt

everything that Rob felt and knew I had to return the favor.

His finger was inside me, drawing out, then plunging deeper, until

I started to moan and move my hips against his hand.  The sensations 

separated, mine so much stronger than his, as he stroked me gently.

His lips moved down my body, circling my navel, then kissing my inner

thigh.  And then they moved up again, as his hands parted my slick lips,

and his tongue slid between them.  My fingers clutched at his hair,

and I pressed my hips against his face, crying out.  Wave after wave

of pleasure rocked over me, and behind it all I vaguely felt the tight

rein Rob held on himself, trying to prolong his pleasure.

As I relaxed he moved back up over my body and whispered, "I've never

had such a hard time *not* orgasming before.  You react so beautifully,

and so freely, and I felt it all.  I almost couldn't hold back."

I smiled as my hands slid down his back.  His body felt so nice over

mine, and so did the sensations he felt as my hands roamed his body.  

He leaned on his elbows, looking down at me, a slight smile on his face.

I allowed one hand to slide between us, barely touching his hardness.

The sensations my touch brought made both of us gasp, and his eyes

darkened as he began kissing me again.  I responded eagerly, my emotions

rising oh so quickly even after my pleasure.

With a tiny bit of my mind I knew what I wanted to do, and I managed to

work my hands between us, palms flat against his chest, and I pushed

him back up into a sitting position.

"What?"  He looked down at me, confused.

I pushed myself up until I sat before him.  "I want you to feel me seduce

you..."  I whispered softly, my voice trailing off as my lips met his.

I pushed back again, and he sat back hard, into a semi-reclined position.

I kissed him, feeling his emotions rise, my hands tangling in the thick

mat of hair on his chest, tickling over the small nipples and feeling

them rise, then slowly moving down his body until I found his rigid

length under my palm.  He groaned as I carressed him, my lips still on

his.  I could feel him growing hotter, and whispered wicked things to him,

telling him that I didn't want him to hold back.

His shoulders grasped mine and he pulled me closer, his tongue diving

deep inside my mouth.  His hands slipped from my shoulders to caress

my back and breasts, and we were awash in mixed sensations, with my hand

on his cock, his hands on my breasts.

Finally, he couldn't take it any longer and pushed me back, my hand still

on him, guiding him inside me.  The moment of penetration was incredible!

I felt filled, and I felt as if were sliding into a wamr, moist, tight

cavern.  He moved against me, and we felt the double sensation of filling

and being filled.  My hands clutched at his buttocks, trying to hold him

closer to me.  His lips moved against mine, and then over my chin, my


I don't know who came first, for one set off the other.  I felt him tense

against me, and then everything exploded as he came inside me, filling me

and I accepted him, my body tightening around him.

It was a few moments before we untangled our minds, but comfortable

moments.  His hand still stroked my side, and we both felt it.  I

smiled, recognizing the contentment I felt as the same way I had felt 

before being awakened from my dream that morning.

"I knocked over my lamp," Rob said softly.

I looked up at him.  "What?"

He laughed at my bewildered expression, then kissed the tip of my nose.

"I said, I knocked over my lamp.  This morning.  That's what woke me up

from my dream..."

I blushed.

He smiled.  "Don't tell me you're *embarrassed* about sharing my dreams!"

I shook my head, still blushing slightly.  "Well, not really.  but you

have to admit it's unusual."

He held my eyes with his own as he said seriously.  "Unusual, yes.  But

also special."  His hand slid down my body, then back up to cup my

breast.  "And now that I've found you, and found this link we share,

don't you ever believe that I'll let you go."

I smiled at him, a stupid grin on my face I'm sure.  "You won't get rid of

me.  Because whenever you think of me, I'll know.  And I'll be there."

He bent to kiss me again as his hands did delightful things to my body.

We both sighed.





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